“Put on fo yo city hoe!”

It astonishes me that it is now 2018, and people are still butt-hurt when their sex tapes or nudes are leaked. We got intelligent humanoid robots and self-driving cars, yet people still haven’t learned their lesson when it comes to sending a photo of your privates to someone that slid in your dm’s only two days ago. 

In the event you are a person of dignity and self-respect that has no idea what I’m referring to, a clip of Blac Chyna performing what I think is supposed to be oral sex leaked on social media today. This occurred just 7 months after her ex and baby-daddy Rob Kardashian exposed her nude photos.

unnamed-9Let me be clear, any perpetrator of revenge porn should absolutely be held accountable for their actions. I’m not victim shaming Black Chyna for sharing something that was probably only meant to be seen by another person she trusted, I’m shaming her FOR GIVING WACK ASS HEAD – ON CAMERA AT THAT!

In a previous hump day post, I wrote about the casualties of sexting photos. I provided tips on how to save face, and ended it by saying you can’t control what the other person does with the material – however, you can control what material you send. So make sure that shit is hot fiyah in the event it does leak. People don’t even care that Blac Chyna was on her ho shit again, they’re more distraught by her dick sucking technique or rather, lack thereof. 

Social media is asking who took a bigger L this week: Fergie for her rendition of the National Anthem or Black Chyna for her sex tape? I’m not sure, but at least Fergie’s performance was entertaining. I was ready for Black Chyna to go Black Panther on that dick, but she might as well have blacked out with her lackluster performance. She gave brain like she dropped out of summer school, like she failed P.E., like the muthafuckin Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz. You know how girls say, “I’ve never done this before” as they roll up their sleeves and wrap their hair in a bun? I would believe her if she said that! I’m starting to think men actually date Blac Chynna for her personality, because it definitely ain’t her bob and weave. Her fellatio was so disappointing it made me come out of Humpday Post retirement just to write about it.

As a wise woman by the handle of @Ms_Octoburrrjb on Twitter said:

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Needless to say, I am disappointed. Next thing you’re going to tell me is Rihanna only has sex in missionary position. Best friend or not, Blac Chyna should be banned from Amber Rose’s Slut Walk next year.

Ladies, ain’t nothing wrong with being a hoe. You already know I’m a fan. But you gotta embrace it. If you’re going to do some hoe shit that will disgrace your mother, at least make sure it impresses your fellow hoes.

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Happy Valentine’s Day.

I’ve always loved love. Even when it didn’t love me back. 

I tried so desperately not to, too. After every broken heart, ripped photograph and deleted number, I vowed to be a “bad bitch” that didn’t need a man … to no avail. It took a loooong time before I finally realized that that just wasn’t me. Oh, don’t get shit twisted – I was a bad bitch no doubt, but I was a bad bitch that wanted a good man. 

I’ve spent most of my adult years a single girl on Valentine’s Day. I watched my co-workers receive giant bouquets at their desks, and saw photos of my friends at dinner with their significant others. I loved it. All of it. No boyfriend? No problem. I still had my girls, and we celebrated love and relationshits over wine and pre-fixe dinners just the same. 

Yet, I still felt like something was missing. There was still void in my heart that unfortunately no girlfriend could fill. 

Today, I sit at my work desk in front of a dozen long-stemmed roses and a heartfelt card from my man, but I still empathize with being single, realistic romantic on Valentine’s Day. It sounds corny, but I looked around the office at my co-workers and hoped they felt happy and loved whether they had a significant other or not. Regardless of your relationship status, I hope YOU feel happy and loved, today, tomorrow, and always.

I want to make this very clear: there is nothing wrong with being single. There is also nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship. Your relationship status doesn’t determine your worth or make you any more or any less suitable for love.

If you’re single, don’t let failed relationships and those around you make you feel bitter. And if you’re in a relationship, don’t allow those who are bitter make you feel like you can’t celebrate the love you have to give and receive. It was never a big deal for me to NOT be in a relationship on Valentine’s Day, but it’s a big deal for me now that I’m in a relationship on Valentine’s Day. 

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Viva la Mexico.

I took advantage of Virgin America’s final 2-for-1 deal at AT&T Park and booked me and the misters a trip to Puerto Vallarta last weekend. We stayed in the small town of Sayulita for 2 days and then the remaining day and a half in PV. It was a short trip, but action packed although I’m kicking myself for not booking one more day. 

This trip was just the right amount of culture and tourism, simplicity and boujee. Sayulita reminds me of the movie Coco come to life. It’s a little beach town with a mix of visitors and locals, vegan friendly cafes and family owned taco stands.  There are colorful buildings everywhere with bright papel picado banners connecting them, and the sweet smell of churros waft throughout street corners. 

In Sayulita we stayed at Casa Nawalli, a cute AirBNB inspired by nature. Each room had a theme, and a garden surrounded a pool and courtyard adorning hand painted tiles. At night we could hear animals and birds chirping with a faint hint of music in the distance, and in the mornings we woke up to the bread lady yelling “A la dulce” outside.

Before heading to Puerto Vallarta, we did a water excursion. Truth be told, all I’ve ever wanted to do on vacation was sit in the netting of a catamaran with the sun hitting my face and sprays of water splashing my legs. I finally got to cross that off my bucket list! Along with whale watching, snorkeling, and paddle boarding. 

Once we got to the Garza Blanca Resort in PV, I pretty much died. I knew it was a good hotel because of the ratings, but it surpassed any expectations I already had. It was luxurious without being pretentious, and the customer service was unparalleled. We had views everywhere: in our suite, during breakfast, at the pool, on the roof. It was just what we needed during the last few hours of vacation.

For those of you thinking about a trip to the Nayarit area of Mexico, I’ve included links to companies I used during my trip below. I would also take a look at each company on Yelp or Trip Advisor to see if it’s your steez, and check for sales on hotels. 

 
Casa Nawalli
Ally Cat Sailing
Vallarta Transfers and Incentives
Garza Blanca Preserve
Metamorfosis Spa

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The Baesics of Being an Instagram Boyfriend.

It’s refreshing and heartwarming to look around at my friends knowing that despite years of dating fuckbois and cheaters, we all ended up with loving and respectful men. Still, this doesn’t mean we don’t get annoyed by them. One thing most boyfriends just don’t seem to understand is how to take a decent photo. Either they’re an actual photographer or they take pictures with their finger on the lens, no in between. Obviously, these are not deal breakers by any means, just petty inconveniences. So in an attempt to help you out a little, here are the baesics on how to be a good IG boyfriend/husband. 

unnamed-31. CENTER THE GODDAMN PHOTO. It really doesn’t take much to make us happy. Matter fact, we’ll probably reward you if this simple feat happened. Just look at the subject (us) and put us smack dab in the center of the frame. Think of a goal post, then imagine your girlfriend right in the middle of it.   

2. FOCUS. While “bokeh” is considered a form of art, that’s not what we’re going for most of the time. I also didn’t know what the term was called until I Googled it just now, so I don’t expect boyfriends to know what it is. However, it’s pretty simple: make sure the picture isn’t blurry. If your girlfriend has 2 noses in the picture or you can’t even tell it’s her, then you should probably retake it.

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Figure 1a

3. Make us look pretty. Have I completely lost you yet? We don’t mean give us a makeover, we mean don’t hand us back our camera after taking the photo just for us to find a picture of us with our mouth catching flies or eyes closed. Please see figure 1a as an example.

Once you’ve gotten a grasp on the aforementioned and want to challenge yourselves, you can level-up with the following tips.

1. Know our angles. I suppose it’s too much to ask you to know what our good angles are, but at the very least know what they aren’t. How will you know? Easy.

Hint: If we have a double chin or look pregnant or bald, it’s probably not a good angle. Again, please see figure 1a as an example. 

2. Know your ratios. Do not read this unless you’ve mastered the art of centering the photo first, it’s not for the faint of heart. Just like “I before E except after C” there are certain situations where an off centered photo actually works better. Usually, this is referring to “the rule of thirds” as seen below:

unnamed-13. Hint for the ladies: Men are simple creatures, and don’t understand the need to take a picture of food and shit like that. They only tolerate you taking photos in front of every pretty wall and storefront, so try to make it as painless for them as possible. Take a photo of exactly how you want the frame to look as a reference for your man. And if that still doesn’t work, just remember that you’ve had boyfriends that treated you like shit and this one just can’t take a centered photo. Real life boyfriend > Instagram boyfriend. 

 

 

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The Sympathy Sads.

While perusing Instagram the other day, I came across a photo of a man I knew with his new girlfriend and my heart stopped for a split second. It had been years since I experienced that twinge of anxiety in the pit of my stomach, yet it felt just as vividly excruciating as I remember. 

Why did I even feel like this? I never dated this man, I barely knew him. We didn’t exchange kisses, or funny faces we made for only each other, or inside jokes, or memories. Yet, I felt that feeling. That “But that’s my hand your holding/Wonder if he’ll treat her better than me/I have to get over you/Why didn’t we work out/I remember when you used to post photos of us/I wish I never saw this/Dammit, why is her profile private/My heart is aching/Fuck them” feeling. 

Most of all, I felt for his ex, my friend, another girl with a broken heart. Woman to woman, friend to friend, I wanted to reach out to her but never did. I don’t know why. Instead, I waited. I waited for Instagram quotes. I waited for a new hobby. A haircut. Maybe a tattoo. A flight. 

I felt silly. I have no idea what actually happened between the two of them. For all I know, she broke up with him. She been over him. She cheated on him. I really don’t know. What I do know is I saw a photo of a man and his girlfriend – who wasn’t my friend. I also know I ‘m not the only one who felt these sympathy sads. 

That’s the power of a broken heart. Despite being in a happy, fulfilling relationship, you never truly forget how the pain feels … and I kinda don’t mind that. It allows you to really appreciate what you have as well as what you’ve let go. It’s gut wrenching to see a friend going through a setback so bad it wakes up your own demons, but the silver lining is you’ll experience the beauty of their bounce back too. 

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Year of the Butterfly.

Every year around the holidays, people take a moment to reflect on the last 300-something days of their life. If you’re like me, you’ll play a lowlight reel of all the things you didn’t accomplish while beating yourself up for it. Since elementary school, I had always found Christmas depressing and as I grew up, December 31st became synonymous with anxiety and failure. I cannot believe I’ve spent the past few decades living like this. 

Just like the previous years, 2017 started out depressing for me. Thankfully, things began to slowly turn around. Although I didn’t reach more than half the goals I set out for myself, I achieved one very important one. It created a domino effect that impacted my wellbeing in a positive way. I have to constantly remind myself that although I’m not where I want to be, I’m far from where I used to be. 

In 2015 I was falling apart.
In 2016, I was struggling.
And in 2017, I was surviving. 

I’d like to think in 2018 I will be flourishing.

On January 1st, I read countless of memes and quotes regarding the new year. A friend of mine said that 2018 is going to be a game changer, and it stuck out to me. I believed it. Not because that’s what everyone says every year, but because I have seen my friends and myself grow immensely in 2017 and know that there is nowhere else to go but forward.

For those of you whose 2017 was the worst yet, CONGRATULATIONS – you survived, and I am so proud of you. I’m sure there were some of you who woke up in the morning and wondered if you’d make it through another day … and then thought the same thing the following morning. You did it, and will continue doing it. 

So to all my friends, my family and even to complete strangers, may 2018 be your best year yet. Start that business. Launch your website. Lose that weight. Find your dream job. Get out of debt. Get out of bed. Stop making excuses. Learn a new language. Take swim lessons. Send your parents on a trip. Spend more time with the people you care about. Become certified. Move out. Propose. Divorce. Meditate. FULFILL YOUR PURPOSE. 

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The Men of 2017.

2017 has brought us laughter, sadness, love, loss, tragedy, and triumph. It’s also brought us a gang of beautiful men, and it wouldn’t be a GATNB end of the year party without acknowledging some of them. Below are five men that have made headlines this year, that also just so happen to be swoon worthy. Am I missing anyone? Feel free to comment!

Sterling Brown. This Is Us is in my top 3 most anticipated shows I’ve watched this year, and #1 on my list of “Shows that make me cry in fetal position”. With an amazing cast like they have, this was tough, because Jack Pearson is the prototype. What it came down to was Sterling Brown having more personality than than Milo Ventimiglia in real life. I pretty much love everything Brown stands for on and off the screen. From his hilariously eloquent Emmy’s speech to the way he goes hard for his wife (again, both on and off screen), there’s just no reason why he wouldn’t be on this list. 

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Jason Momoa. But do y’all remember Jason Momoa from when he was still a skinny, tanned looking haole on Baywatch?  I do. Matter fact, that’s where I first took notice of his aesthetic splendor. Then, he hooked up with Lisa Bonet, gained all that muscle, got casted as Khal Drogo, and is now walking out of the water shirtless as Aquaman in this year’s Justice League. More impressive than his axe throwing skills and his haka, is the way he loves his family, which includes Mother Earth. Mainstream media has finally taken notice of him,  so I only expect to see more of him next year and I’m not the least bit mad. Unless they make him wear a shirt. 

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