The Adult Break-Up.

I’ve been wondering what an “adult breakup” would feel like. Would we wish each other well, insist the other person keeps the most expensive piece of furniture, and then embrace before leaving?

Would I walk around the house that I spent so much time, money and thought into and take note of who gets what? Would the idea of separating our things and packing it all up be unbearable?

Will I sob? Since I’m an adult now, I suppose I’d still go to work. A grown ass woman doesn’t take the day off because her heart hurts does she? In between combing my hair and getting ready, I’ll probably bawl my eyes out while listening to Lizzo’s “Good as Hell”. I must feel pretty bad if I’m crying to a Lizzo song.

Would I replace my daydreams of wedding vows, an award ceremony for my husband where I’m pregnant, and the vision of my baby-girl’s curls with the reality of a studio apartment almost in the ghetto and corny messages on Bumble?

Would my girlfriends force me out of the house for a girls night out and stay up past 10pm, so that I can dance until my feet and soul went numb? Would they push me towards the cutest guy even though they know I’m too awkward to say anything? Will I sleep with him anyway just to fuck the pain away? Adults know better – right?

Will I stalk his Instagram stories? Will I check to see who’s paying him on Venmo? Will I feel a type of way when he takes our pictures down? Will I even stay friends with him on social media?

Will I be able to apply all the meditating. All the books. All the quotes. And all the exercises I learned in therapy? Or would I revert back to being in my twenties, call myself names and peel myself off of the bathroom floor at night?

When I was in college, I legitimately – not to mention naively, thought that once you turn a certain age (30 sounded like a good number) you are magically immune to getting your heartbroken. As if it was a rite of passage or some shit. If you’ve been reading my blog, you see how well that theory played out. Now that I’m even older, am I even more dense to think that I’d be able to handle a break up better?

Breaking up is hard to do regardless of how you do it, when you do it, where you do it, or how old you are when you do it. And asides from airing out dirty laundry on social media, throwing all of his Jordans out the window, and causing a scene at the club – an adult break up is just like any break up: HARD. And painful as fuck.

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Comparison is the Thief of Relationships.

I remember when knowing someone who was divorced was unheard of. Now, I’m in the age of second marriages. Safe to say most everyone I know has been through a multitude of relationships and because of this, it’s so easy to compare partners and partnerships.

My ex was a “mans man”. He was tall and covered with tattoos. He drove a muscle car, rode a motorcycle, was good in any sport he tried and could learn how to play an instrument just by picking it up. Other men wanted to be his friend and other women wanted to fuck him. Needless to say, he had hard shoes to fill and my “Next boyfriend list” was for the most part – superficial. 

  1. Tall.
  2. 6-pack.
  3. Funny.
  4. Athletic.
  5. Drove a stick shift.
  6. Rapper/singer/musician.
  7. Thoughtful.
  8. Can dance.
  9. Can ride a motorcycle.
  10. Has nice, clean shoes.

I’ve dated a few different men since then, many of whom I shouldn’t have. Just like many of you, I learned the hard way that most of that shit up there doesn’t matter. So as I got older and more cynical, my list got shorter and shorter until it looked like this:

  1. Doesn’t cheat or beat me

There is a way to not be “picky” while also not lowering your standards. One way is to not compare your current relationship with your last. Your requirements for a healthy relationship should not change based on the person you are with. So do not give your man excuses to not love you the way you need to be loved. Do not accept less than you deserve just because you had a lesser man before. Do not justify his actions by thinking, “At least he doesn’t cheat on me like so-and-so”. It’s great that he doesn’t cheat or beat you but that’s not a bonus. That is a non-negotiable. 

The point I’m getting at is you know how you need to be loved, and you deserve to be loved this very way. So don’t let your past relationships determine how happy you are in your current one.

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These Fleeting Moments.

Usually when someone says they’re having a moment, it’s a bad one. A moment of weakness. A moment of vulnerability. A moment of crazy or the sads. I’ve definitely had my moments. Some moments turned into months and even years.

Then, there are those beautiful moments. Bouts of immeasurable happiness that make all the bad in the world go away – even if just for a split second. These moments, you want to capture them like lightening in a bottle. You want to freeze frame smiles and save them for a rainy day. You want to find gold in the joy in people’s eyes and treasure them forever.

A hug after a resolution. Happy tears. A 20 year high school reunion. A beautiful sunset. Floating in the middle of a crystal clear ocean. Dancing on an NY rooftop on a summer evening. Confetti in your hair at a championship parade. A hot shower and jammies fresh out the dryer. An ice cold beer after a long day. The wrinkles in your grandparents skin. The smell of your favorite dish. A first kiss. Holding your newborn baby for the very first time.

These are the moments we wish would last forever. But these moments are fleeting. No matter how hard you try to grasp them, they fall through your fingers like sand.

So you cherish the good times, especially when you’re feeling sad. You look for the positive in each day. You’re grateful for the little things. You let things and people go. You love yourself and know you are enough. You wish happiness for others. You do your best. You live in the moments that make your heart dance. And you create your serenity. Because nothing good lasts forever. But nothing bad does either.

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Show me what you workin’ with.

When it comes to adulting, there are a lot of us who share the same sentiment towards having to get up in the morning to go to work. Even for those who like their job, and even worse for those who don’t. In Relationshits Pt. 2 I wrote about leaving a shitty work environment, and since then have learned that a lot of people I know have had similar experiences. One good thing about me is once I learn a lesson, I devote my time to making sure someone else doesn’t make the same mistake. One bad thing about me, is I can be aggressive when doing so. I’m sorry, I just don’t want anyone to go through the same misery.

Unfortunately, going through something yourself is usually the only way to get past it. While each person is different, the stories were similar. Especially their reasons for not quitting despite the horrible circumstances. Below are the most common reasons I noticed. If you’re in a similar situation, I don’t expect you to read this and quit your toxic job. However, I do hope you will realize that you are not alone and can find happiness at your job and the respect you deserve despite the demons in your head telling you otherwise.

I’m comfortable: I get it. You have a routine and know the ins and outs of your job like a ho in heat. It’s almost effortless. Change always has the ability to be scary, even good change. But let’s not forget that your current job was new to you at one point and you managed just fine. Comfy is great when it comes to mattresses and sneakers, but not when it comes to growth or it getting in the way if you being in a healthier work environment. 

I love my co-workers/I love “fill in the blank with whatever free millennial snack is provided”: It’s true when they say that you don’t leave jobs, you leave people. I probably would’ve found myself another job by now if I didn’t like my bosses so much, and sadly I’ve stayed at jobs I wasn’t happy at because of people. But if those people you like are good people, they will want you to leave them for greener, healthier pastures. And if they’ve transitioned over to friends outside of work, they will more than likely want to keep in touch for the occasional happy hour to bitch over how the old company is still the same. As far as perks? No flavor of LaCroix or massage chair is worth your mental health. 

I’ll never find another jobThis is probably the BIGGEST reason why most people don’t want to leave their current job despite having anxiety attacks in break rooms, and I completely understand. For some, the only thing worse than a horrible job – is no job.  Just as worse is the process of finding a new job, which I will go into in another blog. But believe me when I say that you will find another job. A job where more than likely you won’t be treated like shit. It’s scary, but compromising your mental health for a job that doesn’t give a shit about it is scarier. The the sooner you make the decision to leave a crappy job, the sooner you’ll find one you deserve and more importantly – one that deserves you. 





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3 ways I went from being miserable to being a slightly decent human being

I was going to attempt to write a witty introduction to this post, but it’s the Devil’s asscrack degrees outside and I don’t have the brain capacity. Have you Googled an online recipe lately? It legit takes at least one minute to read past all the mumbo-jumbo to find the ingredients alone. It’s nice that this peach cobbler reminds you of your Great-Gamma Emma back in Georgia, but I do not care for a detailed description of your the first time you picked a peach in her backyard dammit! Having said that, let’s get to it shall we?

Meditating. This is nothing new. Hundreds of thousands of people have attested to what the wonders meditation has done for them for as long as I’ve been alive. Meditating is one of those things that is easier said than done. It’s such a simple task: Take 10 minutes – even 5, to make peace with yourself in silence. Yet, it took me 5+ years to embrace and do consistently. Meditating is also seen as one of those silly, hippy-dippy exercises that only people who believe in Mercury Retrograde follow. Whatever it is, believe me when I say that meditating has prevented me from throwing things across the room, getting into fighting matches with my boyfriend, having a nervous break down at work, and going into full-blown panic attacks in public. Tell me that shit’s silly now. Meditating is different for everyone, but for me it’s a way to recalibrate. A way for me to get out of my head and look at things objectively.

Being a plant mom. This should come as a surprise to NO ONE. A little over a year ago, I succumbed to the Instagram trend of houseplants as decoration and now I walk into Home Depot for pliers and come out with ferns. I’m kidding, I don’t own any ferns (at the moment). But I do own 20+ other plants that I’ve named and talk to on a weekly basis. What started out as a risk considering I killed all the old office plants along with 6 succulents, turned into a full fledged obsession LOVE. It’s true when they say that taking care of plants can be therapeutic. You give something love, and it returns it. In addition to making your place look beautiful, they’re also air purifying. Can’t recall the last time pliers did that.

Giving gratitude. My 34yo self wants to slap my current self just typing out the word gratitude.  I used to have a love/hate relationship with it. Back then, acknowledging the positive in my life only made me feel worse. It only emphasized that I had so much to be thankful for, yet was still depressed. I also argued that there was nothing wrong with wanting more for yourself. In short, the concept of gratitude made me feel resentful towards the universe, other people, and most of all – myself. In reality, I wasn’t in the right mindset to fully understand what gratitude was.

Once you truly understand and appreciate gratitude, you realize how beautiful life is. You begin to appreciate even the tiniest things. At acupuncture today, I thanked the universe for those 30-40 minutes of solitude. That then, lead to being grateful for the beautiful 80 degree day – the health and wellness benefit to pay for acupuncture – the job I had that provided the benefit – the bosses I worked for – my co-workers – catching up with old friends – other friends that were there for me – THIS BEAUTIFUL LIFE. It was cray for me to have an upward spiral instead of a downward one.

Back then, I thought that if you gave thanks for what you already had, the universe would give you more. I learned that that’s not how it works. The fucked up part about it is, once I gave thanks just to give thanks – I started to receive more. 


Found this photo by the awesome Jaime Poquiz and thought I’d use it ‘cuz I looked seemingly happy lol. This was originally for the relaunch of this blog that obviously hasn’t happened yet. At this rate, I’m going to need to take a whole new set of photos.

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do not love a lovable woman.

Do not fall in love with a woman’s smile, and then get mad when people smile at her.

Do not fall in love with a woman’s laugh, and then get mad when someone else makes her giggle.

Do not fall in love with a woman’s humor, and then get mad when she tells a really, really good joke.

Do not fall in love with a woman’s wittiness, and then get mad when she outwits you.

Do not fall in love with a woman’s beauty, and then get mad when someone else admires it.

Do not fall in love with a woman’s independence, and then get mad when she wants to be alone.

Do not fall in love with a woman’s strength, and then get mad when she flexes it.

Do not fall in love with a woman’s sexuality, and then get mad when she feels sexy.

Do not fall in love with a woman’s words, and then get mad when she says something you disagree with.

Do not fall in love with a woman’s passion, and then get mad when it’s not you.

Do not fall in love with a woman, and then punish them for being all the things you fell in love with just because you realize that other people love her for these things too.

Do not love a lovable woman, unless you don’t love yourself first.

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A Woman’s Hurt.

I don’t know much, but I do know about a woman’s love.
It’s selfless.
Obsessive, even.

But what I know even better (unfortunately), is a woman’s hurt.

It’s knowing that something is off, but not being able to pinpoint it. Feeling him slowly pull away and knowing it’s just a matter of days, but him saying nothing is wrong. Questioning anything. Noticing everything. Then, fighting with your instincts. It’s him being so distant despite being inside of you. Forehead kisses, so that he doesn’t have to look you in the eye.

A woman’s hurt is watching it all unravel. Having all your speculations confirmed. Wishing you hadn’t given it everything you had just to end up with even less than you started with. Resenting those who said you were crazy for questioning that hair tie, bobby pin, late night text message, funny feeling, or sly smile from “just some girl”.

It’s feeling your stomach drop, your throat tighten, your heart beat faster, eyes burn, and ears get hot as if it’s happened to you. Remembering a pain from years ago as vividly as receiving an “I have to tell you something” text from your girlfriend just yesterday. It’s feeling sad and hating men even though you’re in a happy, healthy relationship with an amazing man.

It’s reaching out to a complete stranger, because when a woman is really hurt. Like, really, really hurt – another woman can feel it too.

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