Mad. So mad.
Mad. So mad.
Last Saturday I attended Triple Double Sports’ annual Ball So Hard event at the Oracle Arena. Every year, he gets the community together and gives aspiring ballers the chance to play on the same court as some of their idols do. Afterwards, we watched the Dubs beat the Nets. Pictures of the event (along with a few randoms) and video footage are below!
Beards. OK, but seriously, when the fuck did this happen? I thought it would go away when Brian Wilson did, but instead it gained momentum. Now, I can’t walk down the fucking street without seeing one of you furry motherfuckers – and I ain’t even mad. Make a bitch want to hop on a dudes face and exfoliate. #bitchesloveexfoliation
But for the record, this does not mean ALL men look good in beards. Continue reading
You all know I go hard in the paint (yes I just said that) for my girl Lawn and Hellz Bellz/BOTB, so I’m super fucking stoked to present to you the first episode of Alpha Girls that she’s featured in. Watch the first episode below!
Sometimes me and my friends play this game. We ask random questions like, “Murder, fuck, or marry?” “Would you rather?” “Have you ever?” or “What’s the worst sex you’ve ever had?” I always feel bad answering the last one, because … well … I’ve never actually had bad sex. I feel like by admitting it, I just wished myself an eternity of bad sex, but it’s the truth. I’ve had “not so great” sex, and then sex that never really happened, but “bad” sex? Never. And as of lately, I’ve been pretty fucking spoiled.
With respect to my past lovers, I don’t think I REALLY had sex until maybe 28, when I met Thor. Yes, I call him Thor. And maybe I have a secret picture in a secret folder somewhere explaining why I call him Thor. Nevertheless, he gave me the BEST SEX OF MY LIFE. It was to the point where I had to tell him to just hurry up and come already (the thought haunts me to this very day). It was to the point where I actually let him touch my feet because he was mid-orgasm and I was so exhausted I didn’t want to interrupt him. I’m talking we broke the Magnum on two separate occasions. Who the fuck does that? Apparently, we do.
I was so sure that he ruined my sex life forever. That it could never be as good, and then a year or so later it actually was.
I remember the first time me and “Buzz” had sex. No I wasn’t buzzed, I was actually drunk. But in the corner of my eye I still noticed in his hand a glint of a gold wrapper, and I swear I felt like Charlie in Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. Oompa-Loompa’s started singing and the snozzberries tasted like snozzberries, because motherfucker “He had the golden ticket!” His dick wasn’t as lengthy as Thor’s, but it was girthy and more than sufficed. Sex with him was very different than sex with Thor, but it was still good. And the worst part? It kept getting better and better.
UGH, WHAT THE FUCK YOU GUYS?!
I can actually see my girlfriends rolling their eyes at me right now. I think I just heard one of them say, “Wah, wah, wah. My name is Abigail and I have great sex!” The thing is you don’t know you’ve had bad sex, until you’ve had good sex. For me, what was once good became just good enough after I had GREAT. Like Jay-Z said, “It’s kinda hard to go back to Hamburger Helper when you’ve had filet mignon”. I actually don’t mind Hamburger Helper. But once you’ve had Don Julio, you can’t drink that crappy Jose Cuervo shit no more. It may get the job done, but you don’t enjoy it as much and know it could be better.
So FUCK YOU. Fuck you; you kinky, big dick bastards that want me to sit on your face, take forever to come, go through three condoms, and make me have multiple orgasms, or at the very least extended ones. Fuck you for fucking me, and fucking it up for all the men soon to cum.
Y’all know I’m not one to shy away from the sexy, but even I felt like a little school girl watching this video. Let’s hear it for Mrs. Carter.
I’ve been very lucky to have had good relationships with most of my bosses. I keep in touch with almost all of them, and actually have lunch planned with one next month. As corny as it sounds, I think of them more as friends than superiors. Yet, I still have a lot of respect for them. Thus, I’m not sure how I feel now about my previous boss telling me that my vagina is going to fall out once I hit 45.
But. I thought you liked me? WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?
This is the conversation me and some of my co-workers had the other day. “There is so much they don’t tell you about getting old,” she said. I don’t usually cry at work, but I almost did just then. In addition to our fertility going down, a slower metabolism, menopause, wrinkles, etc. etc. you are now telling me that my vagina is going to give birth to itself? But that’s not all. She also said that as you get older, the walls that line your vagina get thinner, causing sex to HURT. That’s it. Not hurt so good. Just hurt. If that’s the case, fine. TAKE MY VAGINA, I don’t want it anymore! This especially upsets me, because the last Brazillian I got had my vagina looking fucking GREAT. I wouldn’t say beautiful, because we all know I think vaginas are ugly. But seriously, I can actually bare to look at it right now. No pun intended.
Basically, what I got from this conversation asides from my very soul being murdered, is that I pretty much only have a decade or so left to enjoy having sex *finds nearest sharp object to stab self with*. Is there anyone reading this over the age of 40 that can confirm this nonsense? In the mean time, I’ll be finding ways to refurbish my vaginal walls. Foamposites or die!