Wishful Thinking.

This might be the ONLY time I ever want my mom to come across my blog – to see what her dear, sweet, hard working, loving daughter who gets her good  looks from her mother  wants for her birthday. Actually, these are just items I’ve been needing to buy, but haven’t been able to because I keep spending my money on bikini waxes, flights, Plentea, and Postmates. With the exception of the target alarm clock (this one will do just fine) and the iPhone projector (how cool is that though?), I really do need everything on this list *ahem* mom. If you’re reading this, feel free to click after the jump to read my 

Wish List

 

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Get Your GroupOn.

A friend of mine sent me this YouTube clip of the ever so beautiful Chandler Parsons on Chelsea Lately. It was in this moment that I decided to reach into the deepest depths of my inner ho, and be a Chandler Parsons groupie. Seeing as I don’t know how to speak to handsome members of the opposite sex – what more flirt with them, I knew this would be my biggest feat yet. Thus, I employed the help of a professional and texted my friend:

“How does one go about banging Chandler Parsons? Teach me your ways”.

She responded by telling me that she hated me. Then, proceeded to call me and give me tips. I know she’s reading this right now wanting to strangle and hug me at the same time, so hey boo. Now here’s what she had to say, you’re welcome.

  1. They’re just ordinary people. Regardless of how any touchdowns they’ve made, how many interviews they’ve done, or how many digits are in their bank account, my girl made it clear that a man who makes 6-figures a year, spends the weekends with A-list celebrities and is on magazine covers is still JUST a man. Having said that …
  2. They ain’t shit, so treat them accordingly. When my friend is around a celebrity or athlete or person of interest, she either pays them no attention or makes some snide, bitchy remark. This usually piques their interest and results in them approaching her. Ultimately though, you just gotta …
  3. Be you boo-boo. She obviously forgot who she was talking to when she said this. Although this approach is working great for her, this might be the worst advice she’s ever given me. She basically told me to hide under a table and cry if I ever ran into Chandler Parsons.

Alas, being yourself seems to be the answer to everything. Honestly, I could’t be anyone else even if I tried – and I’ve tried. So Chandler Parsons if you’re reading this, and ever want to watch a baseball game in the bleachers. Or drink obscene amounts of beer while playing miniature golf. Or watch an entire season of GOT in one day. Or make jingles out of any and everything you read. Or play chess – drunk. Or do random “white people shit,” HOLLA. If not, it’s all good. You ain’t shit anyway. 

BTW, I hope you know this was all written in fun. I swore off ballers a long time ago, and Chandler Parsons is way too young for me. Besides, he’s dating Kendall Jenner and there ain’t no way I could compete with all 5’10” of that.

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Got So Many Bitches They Call Me Mic Lowrey.

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Mack Mondaze.

Christy-Mack-War-Machine_20130814032947373_660_320-600x286If you know me, then you’ll know I watch porn. If you really know me, then you’ll know one of my favorite female porn stars is Christy Mack. She’s not the best “actress” and definitely an acquired taste, but I personally think she’s gorgeous. Amidst the shaved head and plethora of tattoos, is a simple beauty with crystal blue eyes. But this hasn’t been the case as of lately thanks to her ex/boyfriend mma fighter Warmachine.

About a week ago, news broke out that Warmachine (formally known as Jon Koppenhaver) was in an altercation with her and a third party at her Las Vegas home. It resulted with who we now know is Corey Thomas having a broken nose and two black eyes, and with Mack well, looking like this … Continue reading

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Sausage and Sweet Potato Zucchini Lasagna (Say What?!)

Ooey, gooey goodness.

Ooey, gooey goodness.

There’s something about baking a savory dish that makes me feel real gangster on that Julia Child, Giada wavelength. If I’m feeling real fancy, I’ll even wear my SF Giants apron for an added effect.

Whenever I go grocery shopping, I think of three main recipes I want to make that week. Then see what else I can make with the extra ingredients. Lord knows nobody got time (or money) to buy some $21.87 lavender salamander spice from the shores of Barbados to only use it once. I’ve been having my eye on Pinch of Yum’s Sausage and Sweet Potato Zucchini lasagna recipe for quite some time now, and finally mustered up the patience to make it the other night. Just as I suspected, it took over an hour total to prep, cook, SET, and finally get to eat. But boy was it worth it. Thankfully, Gayson came over with his leftovers that ended up being me and Naomi’s “pre-dinner”. #becauseFAT

The best thing about this dish is it’s so hearty and delicious that you won’t even be able to tell it’s actually healthy (I didn’t even use real cheese, blasphemy!). You can find the full recipe HERE, and see the process after the jump!

Start your lasagna layer off with the zucchini strips that will give you a migraine slicing.

Start your lasagna layer off with the zucchini strips that will give you a migraine slicing.

Then, spread your sweet potato sauce over it. Licking the spoon is allowed!

Then, spread your sweet potato sauce over it. Licking the spoon is allowed!

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Wonderlost.

This is the part where you stop wondering what you did wrong. The part where you stop replaying the course of your relationship from beginning to end, wondering which exact moment he lost interest. It’s the part where you stop wondering why things didn’t work out. The part where you stop wondering how different things could’ve, would’ve, should’ve been. You stop wondering why.

This is the part where you wonder who’s falling asleep in his arms at night, and waking up next to him in the morning. It’s the part where you wonder if she cooks him breakfast or brings him pizza. This is the part where you wonder what he’s doing, and who he’s with. You wonder what they’re talking about, and how often she runs through his mind. It’s the part where you wonder what she did right. You start wondering who.

And then comes the part where you wonder if the pain will ever be over. The part where you wonder if you’ll ever stop feeling this way. It’s the part where you wonder if you’ll ever be able to watch a show, or attend a game, or sleep at night without thinking of him. The part where you wonder if you’ll ever feel this way about another person again. You wonder if you’ll always be alone. You wonder if you’ll ever get over him, or at the very least move on. This is the part where you wonder if you’ll ever feel wonderful again.

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Catch’n Cases – TBT 12.05.11

When someone does us wrong, the “right” thing to do is forgive, and forget. When someone makes us feel small, the “bigger” thing to do is let it go, and move on. I understand that this is the mature, and probably the best way to go about things. But I also understand if you wish this person would contract an incurable STD as well. You know, just to scare them a lot little, and hopefully teach them a lesson.

They say that when you harbor bitterness, happiness docks elsewhere. That life is too short to hold grudges. And this is absolutely, positively, completely true. But if you want to momentarily sail your ship into some violent waters, I will be glad to direct you towards a windstorm. Because not only do I think it’s OK, but I also think it’s absolutely normal, and sometimes even healthy to be angry. Just don’t stay angry for too long.

Confucius says this, and Gandhi says that. But usually when a motherfucker fucks you the fuck over, you don’t want Mother Theresa’s help. You want Tito-Manny to teach you how to deliver a right hook that will break this asshole’s face. You want to take a Louisville Slugger to his precious GTO that he uses to pick up all his hoez and go Waka Flocka Flame on that ass! You want to see her face as she wakes up in the morning to discover her entire Christian Louboutin/Louis Vuitton collection in a pool of steaming hot horse shit. You want this dipshit’s hairline to start receding, and you want a bitch to get fat. Most of all – you want them to hurt them, just like they hurt you.

Because sometimes, we just won’t feel better until they feel worse. I know that’s some immature, selfish, fucked up shit to say, but it’s also honest. And more than likely it’s still nowhere near as immature, selfish, or fucked up as whatever they did to you to make you feel this way to begin with.

Which is my point exactly. No matter what voodoo you cast upon them, it will never take away the feelings you felt. It will never erase the pain. And it will never reverse what they did. I’m not encouraging you to feel resentment, I’m just saying it’s OK to feel resentful. While you may find pleasure in lighting their Jordan collection on fire or getting them fired from their job, joining the gym, the shooting range, or even a creative writing class is a much more fulfilling alternative in the long run – not to mention cheaper than bail. So let karma catch up to them, and let karma catch a case for you instead.

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