Dear Abi | girlsarethenewboys.com

There’s been a few times in the past where I’ve seen a pic of an old outfit I wore and gasped in horror realizing that I would’ve definitely talked shit about myself if I had seen me. But let’s face it, fashion faux-paux are a part of life. From over-sized cross colors with condoms safey-pinned to them, to Uggs with denim mini-skirts, to sox with Birkenstocks, to “man purses,” to wearing goggles and Cybertek jackets in the middle of the summer, to Ed (will u just fucking go away already??!!) Hardy, we’ve all committed fashion crimes. But even then we can just laugh about it ‘cuz more than likely it was the shit at the time and we probably really thought it was cute. Well, except for the Ed Hardy of course.

However, one thing that will never look good on someone no matter how steezy the chick is or how much swag the dude got is INSECURITY.

Just like the right amount of confidence can have women throwing their panties at the “ok” looking dude at the bar, the wrong amount of insecurity can make a Brad Pitt look down right ugly. And even if u have long, shiny hair, glowing skin, curves for days, and are 5′9″, if ur insecure no matter what type of front u put up, deep down inside u’ll still feel ugly.

I never had insecurity issues … until the day I got my heart broken. After that, whenever a relationship turned sour I automatically assumed it was my fault. Because I wasn’t smart enough. I wasn’t pretty enough. I didn’t give head enough. I wasn’t talented enough. I wasn’t rich enough. I wasn’t athletic enough. I wasn’t good enough. I JUST WASN’T ENOUGH.

However, I never saw just how ugly insecurity was until I was on the other end of it. What it comes down to is trust. I don’t tolerate insecurity and all the false accusations and ludacris assumptions that come with it because I want to wear the pants in the relationship and have the freedom to wild the fuck out. I don’t tolerate it because I deserve TRUST. Without trust, well u don’t have much.

Insecurity might as well double as shrooms, because I swear it makes u start hallucinatin. It’ll have u swearin u just saw ur man sittin shotty on the freeway with some breezy driving and just when u get home to yalls spot ready to burn all his clothes in the tub u find him snoring on the couch with drool on his pillow. It’ll have u blowin up ur girls cell phone 37 times in 10 mins because she didn’t answer ur phone this ONE time. And of alllll the possible reasons why i.e. she’s sleeping, she doesn’t have reception, she’s driving and doesn’t want to die, she didn’t hear her phone, her battery died – of course she didn’t answer because she’s secretly fucking ur best friend. Afterall, that’s y she passed the bread to him first at dinner last night right?

Might sound crazy, but it’s unfortunately not too far-fetched for some. You see, it’s one thing to get cheated on or have an actual valid reason to be checkin ur girls call log or lookin thru ur mans pockets when he gets home after the club. But one of the worse things u can do to ruin a perfectly good thing is let ur insecurity fuck up what could’ve been a beautiful relationship, especially when the problem lies within urself and not ur partner. And y on Earth would u get in the way of ur own happiness? That’s never a good look and more unflattering than anything Christian Audigier’s ever made. Well, except for this.

One of the things I can’t stand is when a person plays the blame game. Granted, there are things u just can’t control. Like missing ur best friends wedding because ur stuffed animals magically came to life and are holding u for hostage. Or forgetting to pick up ur girlfriend ‘cuz Megan Fox’s car battery died right in front of ur house and she needed u to jump her – I mean her car. Shit happens, it’s understandable. The bus was late, there was traffic, the dog ate my homework. But on a much larger scale – there’s just some shit that is never excusable.

I believe the first few years of a persons life on Earth are their most impressionable. While ur upbringing doesn’t necessarily predict ur future – I do believe it leaves a big impact on it. A study I did in college on porn stars showed that over 50% of them were raped or molested as a child/teenager. Many serial murderers showed early signs of their ways by torturing and killing small animals as a kid. And it’s unfortunately not uncommon that most child abusers were abused as children themselves.

If u grew up in a household where ur father beat ur mother for years and years before she did anything about it, I can definitely see how u as a child can think this type of behavior is acceptable. Especially if there is no one else around u to tell u otherwise. I can also see how as a grown-up u might continue this awful cycle with ur significant other, because for the longest time u didn’t know any better. BUT THIS DOES NOT, WILL NOT, AND WILL NEVER JUSTIFY DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. Hate to break it to u.

People don’t live in caves or under rocks. It shouldn’t take a person that long to figure out that raping someone or beating up a pregnant woman or hitting ur boyfriend just because he didn’t pick u up on time is wrong. Once a person recognizes a flaw in their lifestyle or personality, it’s now their turn to take responsibility for their actions, take control of their life, and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Yah they can point fingers at the past or their surroundings but that shit has an expiration date. U gets no sympathy from me after that, because the pity speeches start to sound old.

Today, I was denied Invisalign. Not because my teeth were too fucked up, but because I didn’t have the money to front what the insurance and care credit wouldn’t. And for the first time in a loooooooooong time, shit maybe even EVER – I pulled out the “past” card. Yall don’t understand. I hate doing that. I hate when other people do that too. But today, as I left the dentist office more than embarassed (especially since the receptionist was a friend of mine) I had to fight away tears. “If my parents were together I bet I would’ve had them as a kid already,” “My sorry excuse for a father should be paying for this shit. It’s the least he could do. But nooo he’s a fucking loser,” “I wish my mom had cared enough about me when I was a child to have taken care of this early on and SAVED FOR IT.” Braces, school supplies, prescription eyeglasses, shit, citizenship – these aren’t wants like a Fendi wallet or new Cadillac CTS are, they’re needs. In case u couldn’t tell, this blog is about so much more than braces.

I could cry and complain all day about how unfair it was that while my friends parents bought them cars or paid for their school or rent, or hell cooked them dinner everyday – I had a fist fight with mine, didn’t talk to her for an entire year while living in the same apt., worked before I was even old enough to obtain a workers permit, missed an opportunity to go to an accreditted high school because someone FORGOT to submit my application letter, and can count how many home cooked meals I’ve had on one hand BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. But like I said earlier – that shit gets old. I’m getting irritated at myself for just bringing it up. That’s why instead of depriving my kids of things and saying, “I didn’t have it when I was young so stop complaining,” I’m going to give them everything I never had and then some (granted they deserve it of course). And to be real cut throat about the situation, I’m a grown ass woman, I should have enough saved up to buy them braces my damn self! Ughson.com.

See, every one loves to play the victim but they never really want to actually be a victim. So pls adhere to thsoe pity story expiration dates, no matter how good of a story they are and how many tears they bring to people’s eyes. ‘Cuz Oprah Winfrey and Chris Gardner had all the reasons in the world to be violent drug addicts, but yall know how their “sob stories” ended.

Better than a pair of classic, red soled, patent leather Christian Louboutins. More grand dior than ur favorite Louie Vuitton purse. And even more quintessential than this seasons dangling, feather earrings – a womens best accesory is her gay.

For years, women have flocked to gay bars and tagged along to gay events. We tune in every week for Glee and all wish we had a “Will” of our very own. And for years men have wondered WHY? Why are the gays so lucky? Why do women prance around half naked in front of them so comfortably as if they were alone? Why do they let them hump them on the dance floor? Why do they let them touch their boobs? Why do they sleep in the same bed and cuddle with them like it’s nothing? Why do gay men and straight women sometimes kiss? Why do women love the gays so much?

I’ll tell u why.

1) They are hilarious. Not that there aren’t some hysterically funny straight men out there. Jamie Foxx, Jim Carey, Will Ferrel, Katt Williams, Jo Koy – I mean helloooooo?! But I swear there is something magical in a gays fruity pebbles that allows them to say the same exact thing one person says yet make it 1,000 times funnier. Besides, they can get away with saying waaay more things than a straight man can say. ‘Cuz if a straight man said, “Man I made him cum so hard he looked like Emily Rose bending over backwards to grab onto the headboard,” well, they’d just sound gay.

2) They’re fun. When a gay comes out they come out, and not just outta the closet either. If u go to a club trying to spot a gay, I’d say look for the one dude smiling, drunk, and mmmaybe with his shirt off dancing in the middle of 4 hot chicks. 4 hot chicks whom he can all outdance. Perhaps it’s due to years of oppression that gays feel the need to liberate themselves to the highest extent. Or perhaps it’s the fact that most of them make decent to good money, aren’t married, and have no kids that fuels them to go hard or go home (pun intended). Whatever it is, I have yet to meet a boring gay at a party.

3) They’re the BEST shopping buddies. Because some of ur girlfriends as much as u love ‘em – ain’t got no style. Because some of ur girlfriends don’t know no better. Because some of ur girlfriends are the same size as u and will lie but show up to the club in that same exact Jimmy Choo for H&M dress they said was bunk the week before. Because sometimes we plain and simply just don’t wanna go shopping with our girlfriends. And because if we take a straight man they will do the following:

I. Say “yes” to everything
a) because that’s what they’re supposed to say
b) they really do think u look beautiful in everything (aw)
c) they’ll say whatever will get yall out the door and back home to the game as fast as possible

II. Be …
a) next door at Gamestop
b) next, next door at Foot Action watching the game with the rest of the boyfriends
c) be outside the store, on the phone, chewing gum, or picking lint outta his pocket – being anywhere but inside F21 with u doing anything except watching women shop

Because a gay man will usually have more fashion sense than u and always, always look out for ur best interest. U are their best accesory as well, and honey u know they ain’t tryna tote no ugly, tacky, cheap purse on their arm.

4) They’re allergic to booshit. They’ll give it to u straight with no chaser. Not that all hetereo’s are liars but if those thigh high boots make ur legs look like longanisa links, they’ll tell u. If ur new haircut looks more trailer park than high fashion, they’ll tell u. And if ur ex mans new girl is drop dead gorgeous, they’ll also tell u. But they’ll also tell u, u got the best rack they’ve ever seen so show them off instead, to slick ur hair to the side and add a cute barette so u look less Jim Bob Nascar Jones and more Rihanna, and that as pretty as she is – the bitch still ain’t YOU (and they’ll mean it too). Even if they sugar-coat shit, they’ll still tell u the truth. Reason being, they ain’t got time to sweat the petty. Besides y would they lie? They ain’t tryna boink u anyway. They have bigger things to worry about i.e. coming out to the people they love, not getting beat up by homophobes, PROPOSITION 8.

5) Lastly, and most of all, They’ll be all of the above and not expect anything in return asides from ur friendship. And maybe letting them borrow ur squin bra once in a while. Gays are like a 2 in 1 package. “Strong enough for a man but made for a women.” The looks and comfort of a man, combined with the sisterhood u’d get from another female. They can be ur handsome date at ur girls wedding and tell u ur beatiful and let u cry on their shoulder … and then go home and fuck their boyfriend instead of trying to get into ur pants. Despite how close yall two may get, they’ll never fall for u so there’s no risk of potentially losing a friendship to a failed relationship or feelings that aren’t reciprocated. Like MY gay said himself, “We love our girls unconditionally without wanting anything in return – and u guys know that.”

Aw boo boo, we love u too.

Heteros, I hoped u learned a thing or two from this PSA. And if yall still feel jipped, don’t forget, it’s yall – not the gays, that get to bang us. Well, unless yall get down like that of course lol.