A Friend Like Me.

I’ve said this a million fucking times – my friends are incredible. So much that I often wonder what on Earth I could’ve possibly done to deserve them. Surely, I don’t do enough. There’s rarely a moment when one of them isn’t paying for my dinner, or giving me a ride home somewhere. My friends are everything I’m not. Everything I wish I could be. And they always stick up for me when I bully myself

I often question how good of a friend I am. I look at the things I’m not able to do for the people I care about, and feel inadequate – even horrible at times. Until someone was a shitty friend to me. 

It took me a while to realize this too. Again, I looked at the things they did for me that I wasn’t able to do for them and felt I was the one who was lacking. But they always spot me when I can’t afford brunch. But they always offer to drive when we go out. Then, I realized that if this is what I was basing their friendship on, it meant they could be replaced with a paycheck and new tires. 

And so I ask you this: How have you been a good friend today? Are you a good friend? How can you be better? Would you want to be your friend if you met you?

I can’t promise I’ll ever be as good of a friend as I’d like to be, but I can promise to never make you feel as if you can’t come to me for my friendship. I may not be able to pick you up in a shiny new car, but I will always ride shotty with you in this journey called life. I may not always be able to spot you for Happy Hour, but I will always fade in on laughter. And I may never be able to loan you money, but I swear to never let you feel alone.

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So Tired.

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The Mantra- TBT 11.22.11

In Thoughts On Turning 30: Switching Careers, Jozen talks about the difference between talent and skill. In it he basically solidifies the saying, “Ideas without execution are worthless”. I cannot stress how true this is, because I have sadly exemplified the concept for years. I hope that from this moment on I personify the following personal mantra instead: Envision, execute, enforce.

Envision. I am a visionary. I don’t even care if I sound pompous for saying that because it’s a true fucking story. I see things before they happen, and notice things many don’t. I’d like to think it’s some sort of innate talent I possess, but I’m pretty sure it’s just a result of being a little lot crazy. Whatever the reason, on a good day my creativity is only surpassed by my imagination. Unfortunately, the only thing that surpasses my imagination is my lack of diligence.

Execute. Almost anyone can think of the next best thing. Almost no idea is original. And as much as I am a dreamer, I know I’m not the only one. Even if you have a better story than your co-worker, even if you sing better than your classmate, and even if you’re prettier than your neighbor – none of that shit matters if you lack the drive to execute, and apply your ideas. Execution is what will turn your co-worker into a best selling author, your classmate into a Grammy award winner, and your neighbor into a covergirl instead of you. But it doesn’t end there.

Enforce. Towards the end of December people begin to think of New Years Resolutions. By 9:37pm New Years Eve after three plates of food and before seven glasses of champagne, “Go to the gym” usually becomes one of these resolutions. By January 2nd, the employees of fitness centers all around the world will be having a field day. Come February 14th, and more than half of these new members will end up simply “donating” to the Bally’s fund.

This is probably the most crucial step in succeeding in whatever it is you plan on doing. It’s easy to get excited over something, but hard to stay excited. Especially if you don’t see the results you want right away. But once you get even just a little taste of the fruits of your labor, the blood, sweat, and tears will be that much sweeter.

Envision. Execute. ENFORCE.

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You Deserve.

You are enough. You are more than enough. You are all of the enoughs in the world combined. And you deserve all the love you have to give. You deserve it all baby. Kisses at night and cuddles in the morning. You deserve only happy tears, and cheek caresses that only end when you say they do. You deserve flowers at work just because – not because.  Cute stories over brunch, and scrunchie faces at the dinner table. You deserve “for nothing” gifts and for everything thank-you’s. Because you are appreciated, and you are important, and you are special, and you are everything. You deserve it all. Glitter and rainbows, hearts and flowers, all of that and then some. You are fire. You are rain. You are jello and creme brulee. You are the good parts of winter, the best parts of fall, and the favorite part of spring. You are the entire fucking summer.  You deserve to exhale. To love again. To be loved again. To feel like yourself.  You deserve to never have to question your worth ever again. 

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Rejecting Rejection.

A surefire way for me to let go of someone, is to find out that someone else has gotten a hold of his heart. They say instances like this won’t make the feelings you have for them go away, but it enables you to stop clinging to the desire to be with them. In my case, the feelings start to go away too. Not as fast as I wish they would, but they subside nevertheless. Thus, one would think it’s the best kind of rejection I could ever receive. That I would hope and pray for it. WRONG. Rejection is rejection, whether needed or not. It still hurts like shit, and there are still plenty of other (less world shattering) forms of rejection I’d prefer. The following are a few of those ways.

You could move. A minimum of 5 states apart. The more states the better. It’s a great excuse to not be with someone, but it only works if you don’t want to move to wherever they’re headed (Never mind that they don’t want you to come with them. That’s besides the point lol). There’s not much you can do or say when the person you’re dating (but not in a relationship with) says, “I’m moving to Colombia”. Nothing makes it easier to not see someone anymore that literally not seeing someone anymore.  Continue reading

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Good Morning, Good Night.

I’ve never been one to have any type of routine. I usually roll out of bed in the mornings with just enough time to shower, and hop in my car with my hair still wet. And at night? Forget about it. I either crashed, or had insomnia. But somewhere between then and now, I’ve acquired a sort of routine that although loose and simple, has been beneficial and for lack of better words – nice

I don’t think it’s the actual things I do in my routine that have been effective, it’s the mere fact that I have a routine to begin with. I also want to mention that I didn’t set forth in having a routine. I just gradually started doing these things, then eventually noticed it. But I’ve found that having a routine makes things familiar. It creates a space sanctuary in my chaotic brain, and it lets me know that there are at the very least two times in my day that I have control of. 

These are the things that work for me and put me at ease. You don’t have to do 15 minutes of meditation, recite positive affirmations every night, or chug some sleepytime tea. Do what works for you. And if it doesn’t work for you at all, don’t do it.

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AM Routine.  Continue reading

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I’m Sorry Instagram, You’ve Violated My Terms of Service.

Everytime lent comes around, someone I know usually gives up social media. I used to think this was so stupid. Until one random day, I deleted Instagram and Facebook from my phone. 

I remember having a session with my hypnotherapist and her asking if there was anything I would like to add to our normal exercise. “Yes, I want to stop obsessing over my phone”. In actuality, I’m not that bad. Compared to other friends who will turn back around to grab their beloved iPhones 10 minutes into their drive, I’m a saint. And I don’t feel the need to charge my phone when it’s still on 57% “just in case”. 

However, I am one of those people that constantly look at their phone every 20 minutes or so. And I’ve wasted countless minutes on the explore page of IG jumping from profile to profile until I somehow end up on Kevin Durant’s girlfriends cousins makeup artist’s mom’s neighbors page who used to be one of Taz’s angels. LORDT. 

The worst is when you find yourself turning 6 degrees to 4 degrees to 2. Until you’re one click or even worse, one search away from checking out the account of the last guy that broke your heart – or the girl that took his. Anxiety is real. And it was in those first 2 seconds of seeing his most recent picture that made me remove the app completely. 

This isn’t the first time I’ve deleted social media or purposely locked myself out of my accounts, but this is the first time I actually don’t have an urge to log back in and see what I’ve been missing. FOMO is also real. When I do post a blog promo, best believe I milk my time. But I’ve noticed  that since deleting the app, my life has been … I dunno, MY LIFE.

Not about what he did last night, or who he did it with. Not about how her stomach is flat and legs are long. Not about how I’ll never be able to do a headstand on the ledge of the Great Wall of China. And not about that beautiful bouquet of tulips. I can’t remember the last time someone bought m flowers.

My life has been a little cleaner as of late. Not clean, just less cluttered. I was able to “X” out one of the tabs open in my brain, and when you got 1,274 open that helps even if just a little bit. I should be able to have enough willpower to just limit my IG usage and not HAVE to scroll down until I can’t scroll anymore, but I wanted to make it easier for me to be easy on myself. Deleting IG (for now) makes it harder for me to be hard on myself.

Do not for one second get it twisted. I still loves me some IG, and will probably re-download the app sooner than later. For now, I’ll continue to not give a fuck. I used up a lot of fucks already and want to save the remaining fucks for something good. For now, I’ll enjoy this moment of being able to write a blog without taking intermission to refresh my feed. I’ll enjoy being able to read an extra 3-5 pages of my book at night. And I’ll enjoy waking up in the morning … and doing absolutely nothing.

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