Porno, No, No!

Remember when I said that I even surprise myself sometimes with the shit I divulge on this blog? Well, today is one of those times. As you know, I watch the porns. Not as much as I used to, but still probably more than I’d like to admit. Especially now that I’m going through a drought. See, I only watch porn when I have no real life person to think about and masturbate to. I used to have a favorite porn star, Johnny Sinns. He’s still my favorite due to lack of options, but lately I’ve been exploring other … err ventures in pornography. Below are three categories in the drop down menu of PornHub that I may or may not have visited before.  

Hentai. For those of you who are lying about not knowing what hentai is, I’ll humor you. It’s a subgenre of anime focusing on overtly sexualized characters and sexually implicit imagery/plots that are often times quite offensive. So naturally, it made me curious SMH. For the record, I ain’t down with that tentacle alien shit. This doesn’t make me feel any better for watching hentai, I’m just sayin. What’s distinctive of hentai is the way the women have extremely annoying high pitched voices and always sound like they are not enjoying the sexy one bit. Matter fact, at first glance it seems like they’re getting raped. Except, their nipples are always hard, they’re always wet, and they always have an orgasm. What’s funny about hentai is the characters dicks and tits are always massive. 

This is the image Wikipedia had for the definition of tribbing. And well, I found it hilarious.

This is the image Wikipedia had for the definition of tribbing. And well, I found it hilarious.

Tribbing. I had no fucking idea what tribbing was until just last week (I swear!), but apparently it’s the formal term for scissoring. Hah! Where did that word even come from? Try + rubbing?  Hey, it was an educated guess. But according to Urban Dictionary (who at this point might as well sponsor my blog along with PornHub), it derives from the Greek word “tribas” (lesbian) and “tribo” (to rub). Holy shit, I learn something new everyday. If you’re still unclear, it’s two chicks rubbing their clits and vulvas together until they (hopefully) cum.

Double Penetration. I already knew what this was of course and even though just saying the words outloud make my face gringe and asshole pinch, I still checked it out. I’m literally shaking my head at myself as I type this. I guess I just wanted to see if it was possible for a woman to even pretend that she enjoys having two dicks in her at the same time. And you know what? I kinda get it. THIS DOES NOT MEAN I AM INTERESTED IN PARTAKING, so calm your testicles. I can just sympathize with how a woman could possibly enjoy it. I’ll just never understand how a straight man can stand another dudes balls rubbing against the top of his dick. 

 

 

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Taming the Beast.

Inhale. Focus. Exhale. SHOOT.  There’s a deafening silence you hear when you stare down the sight of a gun and shoot. An organized chaos engulfs you. A symphony of gunfire combined with the sweet sound of guns cocking back surrounds you. Forgive me for sounding corny, but it’s pretty fucking poetic. And those gunshots that make even a grown man flinch, become white noise when you’re fixated on one thing only: your target. IMG_0312 Guns are scary. Always been, and probably always will be. I remember the first time I shot a gun. I shot a .22 at Jackson Arms in San Bruno. It was so tiny I thought I could swat the bullets with a ping pong paddle, but I was still scared to shoot it. It’s just too much power for one person. You are literally holding someone’s life in your hands, and who’s to say someone wouldn’t flip out and just shoot the person next to them? Still, I wanted to try it out. Sure it’s hot when a pretty girl can handle a gun, but I wasn’t in it for male approval or Instagram accolades. I’m paranoid as fuck, and watched too many movies where the person doesn’t know how to properly handle a gun and ends up losing a life because of it. I didn’t want to be one of those people. Safety. Always remember to take off the safety. IMG_0314More than four years later, I’m standing at the entrance of Angeles shooting range in the Lake View Terrace hills feeling a little knot in my stomach. It would be my first time at an outdoor shooting range. I looked down the long aisle of men and big guns feeling a bit uneasy. I had just finished watching American Sniper and thought of how easy it would be for one of these people to go crazy and kill me. Most of the guns were more than half my size, there was no way I’d survive that. But my curiosity outweighed my nervousness. It was my request to go to the shooting range during my trip in LA, there was no way I would pass on the chance to shoot an AR15, AK47, and even an M18. Truth be told, I was so nervous my first round that it took me 5 minutes to take my first shot. Why? Because I couldn’t find the target. Why? Because I was using the wrong eye to look at it. DCIM103GOPRO Rightfully so. I’m only 5’00” and weigh a buck 15. I was scared of the kick back being so hard I dropped the gun and accidentally shot someone. That didn’t happen, but I did get bruises on my right shoulder from the M1A recoil. But each shot I fired made me more excited to shoot the next. And even though I whined about shooting the M1A, I was pretty much addicted afterwards. It’s similar to the feeling I had when I jumped off Pele’s Chair in Hawaii, or just doing something scary for the first time in general. Once you do it, you can’t stop. In no way am I a gun connoisseur. I don’t think I’m a bad ass holding a gun, I’m not about to join the NRA (yet at least), and I’m barely even a good shot. I just believe that the existence of guns is CRAZY. You have this machine, that in the wrong hands can kill innocent people. Like I said, it’s just too much power. I wanted to learn how to shoot a gun, so that I can take back some of that power. I want to tame the beast.

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Fallin for Fallon.

Some TGIFunny for yall. Although I do like Jimmy Kimmel and Conan, nobody is touching The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon as far as I’m concerned.

And who knew XTina could do impressions? She’s always so serious, I was surprised at how good a sport she was.

And of course, BAE.

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Life in Pictures – Christmas in February Edition.

We’re already three months into 2015, but just thought I’d share some gems from this past Christmas. From family parties to friend parties to the annual Kingpin Disco event, there were lots of laughs, food, and even more alcohol. I’m truly blessed to have two families!

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No Time to Bleed – TBT 12.16.11

Think fast. Love strong. Dream big. Live large. Work Smart. Party hard.  Play Scattergories with friends. Have Tuesday dinners at different restaurants. Baby-sit your favorite niece or nephew. Try out a new coffee shop. Write all day. Laugh all night. Study even though you’re not in school. People watch. Don’t talk shit about the people you watch. OK talk shit but not for more than five minutes. Run the Marina. Visit your old boss that you actually like love. Try foie gras for the first time. Pack your schedule. Be hungry, never thirsty. Attend the concert of a band you’ve never heard of. Go to the library. Own the gym. Keep it moving, but don’t forget to BREATHE. Take a dance class. An art class. A music class. Learn how to play an instrument. Kiss someone on the dancefloor then never talk to them again. Take the ferry. Ride a cable car. Pretend to be a tourist in your own city. Go fishing. Volunteer. Turn your phone off. Watch a live show. Go ice-skating. Get a massage. Grind ’til the brakes fall off. Reward yourself. Get your nails done. Play in the rain. Eat ice-cream in the sun. Make hot-chocolate and watch a movie at home. Read a fucking book. List goals. Check them off. Take 30 minutes out of your day to acknowledge problems, complain, dwell, or vent. Spend the rest of the day remembering how AWESOME you are. Be positive, and when you can’t be negative. Then remind yourself that it won’t change things being miserable, so you might as well be happy. Kick ass. Smile more. Have lunch alone. Take a trip by yourself. Think fast. Live strong. Work smart. Party hard. And never have time to bleed again.

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How NOT to Take A Dick Pic.

If you’re a man and you’re reading things, congratulations! Not only are you brave, you’re smart. Now if you’re a man reading this that has sent a dick pic to a girl before, congratulations! Her entire crew has seen your shlong. Don’t act like you don’t know. Unless – or until she really  likes you, she’s already forwarded your dick to her best friend, and 2 closest friends in her inner circle. Oh, and probably her gay best friend too. No one is safe, which is why I always say that if you’re going to send a naughty pic, make sure it’s one you’re proud of. Not exactly sure what that looks like? Well, the following is what it doesn’t look like.

Angles: Lawwwd. You know how girls have their “best side”? If you’re unfamiliar, check your IG crush’s profile right now and see if there’s a specific side she usually takes pictures of. That’s her good side. Similarly, even the most beautiful penises have a bad side or angle. Word to the wise, if I can see the insect bites on your ass and random patches of hair under your balls, it’s probably not the most flattering angle.

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it’s been a while since i’ve even heard from you.

T. Swizzy. She’s officially a problem for me.

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