Shit Bitches Love Pt V

Ramen. There was a ramen festival in SF’s Japantown a few weekends ago and men and women were waiting in line for two motherfucking hours just for a bowl of noodles. Traffic was backed up like a clogged toilet, and it took me 40 minutes to find parking for a party in the area I had to attend. Unless this magical ramen is going to make me snarter or my titties bigger, I’m straight. Someone pass me the Maruchan. #bitchesloveramen #thisbitchprefersPho

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California Love.

On a whim, me and Rach took a last minute trip down to L.A. during 4th of July weekend, and I am so glad we did! When did L.A. get so fun? Filled with sun, beach time, uni, and good people, it ended up being my favorite trip to LaLaLand ever.

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Decorate – TBT 08.31.12

Inspired by Yuna.

I hung up a picture of you on this wall called my heart. It fell down five times since, but I refuse to give up. It hurts too much to look at you, and even more to take it down. Sometimes I sit there and stare. Pretend I can feel your hair in my hands, and taste you on my lips. Wonder how you’ve been, and what you’ve been up to. But most of all, if there’s any remnants of me in your house. In your head. In your heart. I miss you.

I keep your memories on a shelf in my mind. So cluttered, and messy – yet I know where each and everything lies. Cab rides at dawn, and balcony kisses at night. I hoard feelings until there’s no room left, and collect unnecessary burdens because I just can’t seem to sweep them under a rug, or better yet out the door. It’s my fault, I put you on a pedestal. I shouldn’t feel this way.

I try and try to make things pretty, but still feel ugly inside. I buy flowers, and tell me I love me. I frame a smile, but the bigger picture always makes me feel so small. So I use a step ladder and get my hopes up. I do this all the time. I just can’t do it right. I get excited. I even let myself enjoy it for a little bit. Just a little bit. Until I take a step back, and realize I did it all wrong.

I guess that’s what happens when you decorate your house before it’s finished being built.

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“some people recognize the light, but they can’t handle the glare.”

That moment when you think you’re looking at a meaningful picture of me, then realize there’s a dildo on the breakfast table.


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Thank You, Cum Again!

A really good morning stretch. A long ass piss that’s been held for an entire car ride. An ice cold beer after stressful day. A dip in the water when it’s 80°+ outside. Few things rival the feeling of an amazing orgasm, and as of yet, it still reigns supreme. Today’s humpday post is about a few of my favorite and most memorable orgasms. God bless the three men who’ve made them possible. Now without further adieu …

The time he stuck his dick in my vagina and I came. No really, that’s it. That’s all he had to do. It was the first time we ever had sex, and it was AMAZING. It was as if his dick was made for me. As soon as he put it inside of me, I could feel the tip of it hit my G-spot and in no time I was cumming. 

The time I went into shock. I’ve mentioned this in an old post, but let me elaborate. We had been fucking for Lord knows how long, and when we finished, I got up and noticed that my body felt – funny, for lack of better words. When I went to check my phone, I realized that my hands were shaking and I was out of breath. It was as if I was about to have a seizure. I had to get back not he bed, and just lay there for a good five minutes to recover.

The time I came in a sand dune. This might not have been the best orgasm I had with this man, but it was definitely the most memorable. We were on top of a blanket in the sand dunes that line the Great Highway, and something about being out in the open underneath the stars (and street lamps, so romantic lol) just made the experience that much more carnal.

The time I came in a position I never came in before. It started off with us sexing in spooning position. Then, he flipped onto his back with me on top of him still. His hands were on my breast with mine on top of his, and then I came with him fucking me from underneath. Like, what? I didn’t even know that was possible. Mind you, he was the first person to ever make me cum with me on top too.

The time I kept on cumming. Five times in one session. FIVE. Motherfucking five. I didn’t think I could ever cum again. 

The time I couldn’t cum anymore. And then I couldn’t. I guess I spoke too soon. There was a moment where I thought I lost my orgasm, because nothing was working. Missionary. Doggy-style. On top. Reverse cowgirl. Nothing. Thankfully, I found it again. It’s a good thing too, otherwise I’d never be able to write another post like this again.

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6 Things I Learned From Being In A Not-Relationship.

by Gretchen Joan (but I swear it’s almost plagiarism, because it’s as if she’s in my head. Is there such thing as plagiarism if it hasn’t been written yet? See folks, I have these “Get outta my brain!” moments too.)

1. It’s probably a good idea to talk about your true intentions before you initiate anything with anyone.

My initial stated intention was to “just find someone to hang out with and watch Netflix all day and maybe spoon.” Silly me. I mean, we can reference something that I learned in college here, which is that “coming over to hang out and watch a movie” does not actually mean going over to someone’s place of inhabitance to hang out and watch a movie. I would say that it probably means you’re going to fornicate. A lot. If you do talk about your intentions, you better say what you mean. If I was honest to him and myself, I would have said something like this “I just want to find someone to watch Netflix all day with me and maybe spoon and have sex and cuddle and play chess and also wants to hang out with me all the time okay.” If you want something just throw it out there. If the other person isn’t on board you can either compromise or just NEXT him like on that old MTV show.

2. There are no rules but it is a definitely a game.

When you take part in a casual relationship, there are no rules. While this may sound amazing, it’s actually the worst thing ever. Not knowing where you stand with someone is exhausting and complicated.

3. He is not your boyfriend.

This may seem obvious, but for me it was very hard to wrap my head around the fact that this guy did not want to go on dates with me after our first meeting. (Harsh, right?) It was an adjustment to know that he would probably never ask me to stay the night or that I couldn’t count on him to text me in the morning.

4. Know when to stop.

Word on the street from HBO GIRLS is that you stop having a casual relationship after 6 months or when someone isn’t having fun anymore. If you’re sitting at home wondering why he won’t text you back or crying and listening to “Burn” by Usher on repeat while looking out a window at the rain, you aren’t having fun. You’re having not-fun. You’re actually pretty miserable and lonely, which was not the point of putting yourself out there in the first place.

5. Terminating the relationship hurts just as much as terminating an actual relationship.

On those days that you never get a text, you consider that maybe that was the last you’d ever hear from him. You never know if you should move on or just keep trying unless one of the people in the relationship actually comes out and talks about their feelings. It’s a blow to your pride being broken up with in a relationship that was never a relationship in the first place.

6. You have to know what you want.

My fundamental problem is that I never know what I want. If you’re going to put yourself out there and have a not-relationship with someone, you have to be prepared to know that he or she might not have any feelings for you- at all. You need to step back and ask yourself if that’s what you want. Sometimes it’s worth taking a gamble because maybe it’ll help you realize what kind of a relationship you want, which is what it did for me.

You deserve the best kind of love out there. Don’t give up. You took part in something really raw and human and hopefully you learned so much from it. Never settle and never sell yourself short.


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This song has been on repeat during my lake runs.

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