For old people like me, weddings and New Years Eve have replaced prom and winter formals. I may not go out that often nowadays, but when I do, I definitely go hard. So NYE is a big deal for me. It doesn’t matter if I’m attending a club event, or an intimate dinner at someone’s house. Regardless, I love a good excuse to get extra spiffy since I’m usually in sweats five days a week. Still, there are other things to consider asides from your clutch matching your dress. Here is my list of must-haves for a fun and foolproof NYE.
Although I think Tessanne Chinn should win, I am absolutely obsessed with Cole Vosbury’s voice. And especially his rendition of Miguel’s Adorn.
I swooned over an animated character. Imagine my friends faces when I start off my story with, “Man, I need to get laid. You ever watch that movie Tangled?” I’m surprised Chris Hansen doesn’t have my number on speed dial. Over the weekend whilst in my deathbed, I watched Tangled. Asides from it being a great movie that may or may not have made me cry towards the end, it had … umm … great animation. OK, real talk. I was checking out the leading male character in the movie, Flynn Rider, thinking to myself Man, if he was a real dude, I’d be all over that. Yes, I know how that makes me sound. I didn’t title this blog what I did without knowing this.
I checked out a mannequin. I forget where me and Nikko were shopping at Downtown when I saw them, but seeing three male mannequins in boxer briefs with plastic abs DIDN’T turn me on. It was the fact that these fake plastic abs reminded me of real ones that did. However, the kicker was these mannequins didn’t even have fucking heads on them. I WAS CHECKING OUT HEADLESS MANNEQUINS. Let us all bow our heads in silence now for my vagina please. Amen.
I’m actually scared to have sex again. For several reasons actually. One, I rather continue my quest of being a born again virgin than have sex JUST once. Consistency is key. If I’m not going to start having sex at least twice a week, I much keep things as is. My second reason coincides with the first, I may go fucking crazy. It’s like giving blood to a vampire whose weened themselves off blood for a few years. Or sending someone fresh out of rehab to a Motley Crue concert. Lastly, I’m afraid I may have forgotten how to do all things sexual. Is sucking dick like riding a bike? I sure hope so.
For my 30th birthday and Labor Day Weekend, me and some of my favorite girls went to Cabo. It was the best vacation I’ve been on thus far. Although I don’t remember hearing this song while in Mexico (apparently they played it EVERYWHERE), it’s sort of become the theme song for the trip. Today’s Music Monday post is dedicated to my Mister Man Crush Monday, Paul Walker, who died in a car crash while leaving a charity event for Typhoon Haiyan victims over the weekend. Like they say, the good die young. Gail, you’re about to have a lovely surprise up there.
Don’t get me wrong, Seth playing Kim K. was hilarious. But I think James Franco kilt it. I will never be able to take the West’s seriously from now on (as if you ever did before this).
he can protect her, but who’s going to protect her form HIM?
Sometimes blogging is effortless. On a really good day, I could finish an entire post beginning to end without so much as a backspace or social media break. Other times, I’m searching the nooks and crannies of my brain, and retyping the same sentence for 20 minutes. It’s during these tasking times, that I really have to get my motherfucking Zen on. Drink coffee/tea. Meditate. Stare at pretty shit, like the sky or the sunset. Listen to waves crashing. Basically, whatever Elizabeth Gilbert might do when she has writer’s block. This morning was one of those mornings that I had to really dig into the depths of my soul and prep myself, so that I could efficiently and concisely write about the very serious and important subject of DP.
As in double penetration.
It’s a topic that’s been racking my brain for quite sometime now. However, I knew I’d have to proceed with caution. Let me start off by saying that in no way do I want to partake in DP. Not even in my sick and twisted fantasies have I ever gotten off to the image of me getting stuffed in both ends like a Turducken. Yet, when I watch DP on Lubetube, I’m oddly fascinated by it. That’s my shameful way of saying it turns me on a little. Only a little though, because the sight of a man’s balls slapping against the underside of another man’s balls turns me back off.
Females that can endure DP with a smile on their face are like the Katniss’s of porn. I want to buy these bitches a drink, or a doughnut cushion at least. Because there is no way. Just. NO. I know I’ve gained a few pounds, but I’m still a tiny thing. If I had two dicks at the same time, I’m pretty sure they’d end up in a head on collision somewhere by my kidneys.
And let’s me real here. At this rate of abstinence, I’m lucky to have one dick inside of me.