where have all the butterflies gone?

I once heard someone say that "A bright flame burns twice as fast," and it's haunted me ever since. Why does it have to be this way?

I never had a whirlwind romance before. You know, the kind where it's fireworks and rockets at first glance and then you elope three days later ala Pam and Tommy? Don't get me wrong, I've had lust at first sight. I've also had hearts and rainbows. The inconvenient and overwhelming. But even that was still deliberate. Gentle, and anticipated.

Then, I met him. And it was fast and terrifying and amazing and crazy and beautiful and holy fuck what is fucking life right now I don't know what's happening but I fucking deserve this.

I don't know where they came from, but the butterflies were rampant and wild. They fueled long nights of vigorously texting into a dimly lit screen just bright enough to reveal my simpy smile. They flew through walls that had been barricaded shut, moving swiftly past cracks healed with therapy, solo trips, yoga, meditation, and self-love. But it felt good. It felt right.

So I.

Listened to "Whoah" and "I Want You Around" on repeat.

I.

Scrolled back 6 days just to re-read cute text convos.

And, stared at photographs until my eyes got dry and I had to blink.

Now, I don't even get questions anymore. I don't even get healthily obsessed over anymore. I don't even listen to Snoh Aalegra anymore. Guards are up and I hold back. My heart no longer flutters anymore. Where have all the butterflies gone?

I interviewed a 76yo man whose been married for 50 years and he said the most beautiful thing, "The butterflies may be gone, but look at all the flowers". It put me at ease knowing that something beautiful can still exist even after something just as beautiful leaves. The butterflies are powerful, undeniable and satisfyingly suffocating. But the flowers? They're mindful and calming. Easy and beautiful.

Just make sure you don't forget to water them.