The Ands.

During one of my therapy sessions, Angela asked me how I was feeling. I told her I'd been feeling the "ands". It wasn't until I started seeing her that I discovered the ands. For me, the ands is the ability to feel two opposing things simultaneously and be OK with it. Replacing the word "but" with "and" is a simple yet effective CBT technique that allows you to feel two things without one negating the other. Up until then it wasn't a part of my healing process.

Like many, I associated break ups with heart break. I thought the more in love you were with someone, the worse the heartache was. I knew the difference between regular sad and depression sad. For years, depression only had one face for me: pale and gaunt. I barely ate or slept. I called in from work and emotionally cut myself. I was obsessed with feeling horrible. Then, I discovered that you can be heartbroken and ok at the same time. So don't get it twisted.

I cry until I can't breathe and laugh until I can't breathe.

I blame myself and build myself.

I grieve and am grateful.

I am heartbroken and whole.

I am hurting and I am healing.

I am learning and unlearning.

I am devastated and I will be OK.

I used to think that the amount of suffering you went through after a break up was directly related to how much you loved the person. It only made sense right? So when me and my ex broke-up and I wasn't immediately on suicide watch, I questioned how genuine my love was for him for a split second. That's when I realized I loved him more than any other man ever in life. AND I love myself more.