Senseless

I can’t say that I’m the most emotional out of all my girlfriends, but I’d definitely say I’m the most vocal about it. If I’m annoyed, I’ll say it. And if I’m sad, I’ll show it. I’d like to think that I’m usually a joy to be around, but even Beyonce has her off days. And when I’m off, it’s even hard for me to be my own friend.

Sometimes I’ll be so high on life, no pill or shot or kush can compare. Other times, I’ll literally cry myself to sleep at night. But today? For the first time in a long time, or that I can even remember – I feel nothing. I feel empty. It’s freaking me out a little, and if I could feel something I’d say I feel concerned, crazy, and confused.

I made a bad decision earlier, so naturally I felt bad about it afterwards. The worst part was I didn’t feel as bad as I should’ve. I couldn’t feel as bad as I wanted to feel. I wanted to cry, but nothing came out and truth be told I am a motherfucking crier. I thought about it for a second. Maybe I should feel angry. Nope. I couldn’t feel angry, the incident was like water off a duck’s back. And that’s the thing – I just couldn’t feel.

One of my current favorite songs is Rihanna’s You Da One. In it she sings, “You the one that I dream about all day, You the one that I think about always.” Sounds amazing, but I wonder if I’ll ever feel that way again. It would stupid to not think so, but it’s also not too far fetched. It’s a shame either way.

I used to pray for the day I’d feel indifferent about things. The day I wouldn’t hurt, or even care. But now I’m realizing that love isn’t something you should ever feel indifferent about. Ecstatic, joyous, and even crazy, angry, or hopeless – sure. It may not be ideal, but at least it’s something. Right this very moment I feel NOTHING, and I’m just dying to be brought back to life.