In case you couldn’t tell by now, I sometimes have no filter. I can have the mouth of a sailor, saint, hood rat, or porn star at any given moment. Most of the time though, I’m random as shit. So random, I often get mistaken for being high. To prove this, I’ve compiled a list of the most “WTF?” shit (that I can remember at least) that has ever come out of my mouth. If this were a game show, I would ask you to which statements you think came out of a sober mouth … or a cotton mouth.
“You know what’s weird? Planes. Sometimes I look up at them and think to myself, ‘Not cool bro.’ That shit ain’t right. It’s a plane. It’s heavy. And it’s flying in the air. IT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE! Why are you flying in the air?”
“You ever wonder how bridges are made? Like the one we’re riding over right now. How do they get everything to stay still in the water? What about tunnels? How do things dry in the water? How do they keep the water out? They can’t drain the ocean and shit. But what do they put around shit to keep it dry?”
“Technology trips me out. Like this map on my phone. It’s amazing. You look at that blue dot, and you see it move. And it trips me out that that blue dot … IS US! When we make a left, the blue dot makes a left. Man, that’s incredible.”
“You know what would be good? A cookie burger. A fucking cookie burger. Like, two cookies with ice cream in between.” Him: “You mean an ice-cream sandwich?” “No, I mean a COOKIE BURGER. Why hasn’t someone invented this already?”
“Twix are delicious. We should bake a Twix cupcake. Cookie bottom, caramel flavored cake, and white frosting with milk chocolate drizzle and crumbled Twix on top. Oh shit. Someone hire me, ’bout to go Iron Chef on that ass”
For the record, only the last statement was made under the influence. I’m actually not a big smoker. Drugs are bad kids, bad!
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