I'd never been good with buying birthday cards, that was always his expertise. I could't find a sushi related card, so I settled with a duck and dad joke on it. He always liked corny jokes. I would say I mailed it against my better judgment, but there was no judgment. I didn't hesitate or have any knots in my stomach. I just wanted to wish him a happy birthday, and let both of them know I was thinking of them. As I deposited the envelope into the mailbox, I knew this was more than a birthday card. It was an unofficial good-bye card. I knew it would be the last time I reached out to them.
When I told my therapist this, I began to cry. The tears had become less frequent and even though I still thought about him everyday, it hurt slightly less. I was no longer depressed and just "regular" sad, and that made me ... sad. It's a weird feeling you know? To feel sad because you're no longer sad. When there is no longer grief, what is left to hold onto? She said this feeling was one of the final phases of loss. For me, letting go of grief meant we were over. I know, I know - WE BEEN OVER. But letting go of the sadness made it feel permanent.
"For what is grief, but love persevering,"-Vision
Yes, I just quoted Wandavision. Of course I quoted Wandavision. You grieve, because you love. HARD. Letting go of the grief doesn't mean you stop loving. For me, it actually means the opposite. It means opening up my heart a tad bit more to make space for even more love after the loss.
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