I'm struggling with finding a healthy balance between "leaning in" and pulling back. Old habits die hard, and I still have a habit of waiting for the other shoe to drop. The thought of there being no other shoe isn't even an option. What the fuck do shoes even have to do with anything?!
The man is emotionally available, isn't afraid to be vulnerable, takes initiative, puts in effort, and makes it very clear that he wants to be with me - and I am fucking baffled. Don't get me wrong, I'm not wondering, "Why me?" I'm fucking amazing, that's why. I'm wondering, "Why YOU?" Must be something in the Canadian water.
To confuse things even more, it's been a whirlwind romance. When do those ever work out? On paper, we barely know each other. But what if it just feels so damn good? Not just good, but easy and RIGHT? Man, fuck that. Who wants an "on paper" kinda love anyway?
Maybe I do? Paper can be contractual, it can provide proof. Almost a guarantee. Alas, nothing is guaranteed when it comes to matters of the heart. As you can see, I'm a little bit of a mess. I attempted to un-mess myself during therapy, thank God for insurance. It's hard to not want to play fortune teller when you get into a new relationship. To not wonder if he'll get tired of you or realize that it was all infatuation once the hurricane of a honeymoon stage is over. In actuality, you never know. Regardless of how fast or slow the relationship started.
"What he's shown you today is enough. The effort, the adoration, the safety - it's enough to make you feel good and secure today. Then, he'll do the same thing tomorrow. And then tomorrow will turn into another tomorrow. The tomorrow's will turn into weeks, the weeks into months, and maybe the months into years. But for today, it's enough".
It is enough for today and I know I am enough everyday. So maybe instead of leaning in or pulling back, I'll focus on simply taking things day by day.
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