RABU.

I never joined a sorority in college; however, I was the founding member of an elite investigative unit called “Researchin’ Ass Bitches University”. Feel free to judge, I give as many fucks as this chick right here. Because any girl that says she hasn’t stalked a man she was interested in, is either lying or doesn’t have internet access. 

Are you shitting me? Every girl has done it, and just because she has, it doesn’t make her some psychotic spinster either. Matter fact, if she says she’s never Google’d the name of her crush – run for the hills. It means she’s probably bat shit crazy and does her research by going through the dude’s garbage at night instead. 

Just the other day I met some hot ass European, and less than 10 minutes later I had already found him on LinkedIn, Facebook, Vimeo, and Twitter. I know I sound creepy as fuck, but it’s all public information and really not that hard to find. Still, I went Olivia Pope on. that. ass. In 15 minutes, I knew what kind of music he liked, what kind of art he was into, what his favorite books were, and how many languages he spoke (two btw). I knew enough to know that he’d (probably) never be interested in a girl like me. 

See, there’s a method to my madness nowadays. At least when I’m not being completely insane. When I was younger, I used to “stalk” pretty girls that so much as breathed in my mans direction. Now, I just want to make sure you’re not married or have a girlfriend before I unsuccessfully attempt to flirt with you. Nowadays, I just want to make sure you’re not gay before I waste my time wearing a tight skirt and accidentally walking by your desk three more times than necessary. 

I suppose I could find out the answer to all these questions by simply asking. But then how would I ever get hold of a picture to mass text all my girlfriends? Asking you for one would just be plain old creepy. 

BTW Mr. European, I’m gonna need you to be easy with your privacy settings. You’re making it hard for me to RABU you.