In “The First Week After A Break Up” here, I wrote about the mundane routine one naturally falls into post-heartache. But as we all know, heartache is just one of the stages we experience. Below are a few other stages we’ve all been through. Bonus points if you’ve been through all of them.
- The Hobby Phase.Yoga. Plants. Dance. Piano. Gym. Rumble. Soul Cycle. Orange Theory. Barry’s Bootcamp (can you tell I live in SF?). Name a new hobby, because you’re about to dive head first into one.
- The Narcissism Phase. Nothing says, “Look at me I’m single and looking bad all by myself” than a an actual photo of someone looking bad all by themselves. This can come in the form of a selfie or full-body photo, but it won’t be like any of the ones she’s ever taken. If it’s a selfie, best believe her cleavage will be in it. Best bet is it will be a mirror photo half naked. Bonus points if it’s a mirror photo where in the reflection you can see her backside. Yes, it will be a fire ass thirst photo, one that tries to remind you of what you’re missing out and what other men will now have access to. If she already takes these types of photos, then maybe she’ll take one in a turtleneck instead.
- The Glow-Up and Go Out Phase. This is the phase where you start wearing less and going out more. You may have even cut your hair or got a new set of tits. You reconnected with your girls you haven’t seen in years and are having more GNO’s and boozy brunches.
- Cryptic Instagram Phase. People don’t like to admit it, but IG in fact does say a lot about a person. Sure, there’s always more than meets the eye, but often times IG can be very telling. I’m 10 for 10 on break-ups based on Instagram captions. People only share the parts of their life they want to share … and sometimes they want to share they’re newly single.
- The Wanderlust Phase. Pack your bags, because you’re about to go on a trip … via Instagram. One that will probably last longer on Instagram than in real life. Now there’s two types of girls: One that goes to Las Vegas or one that goes to Joshua Tree. There will probably be nature (because that signifies tranquility and being one with the Earth), there will be quotes from a Paolo Coelho book accompanied by fire ass thirst trap selfies – DUH.
- The “I’m Doing Me” Phase. Everyone should have some “Me time” regardless of if they’re in a relationship or not. After a break up however, people “do me” to a whole new level. I’ve been through this phase myself (I think every girl has), so let me save you the time by allowing you to copy and paste the following: I’m just doing me. I don’t have time for relationships while I focus on myself. If it happens it happens, but I am not looking. I know what I want and I’m not going to settle. I don’t need a man right now.