The Sweet Life?

A few years ago in the depths of my singledom, one of my homies texted me a link to an episode of Lisa Ling’s This is Life about sugar daddies and their sugar babies. Although I’d been used to receiving random texts about weird shit, I responded with, “WTF?” What-Say-what-DAFUQ-WTF-What-the-fuck-GIF

“I don’t know. I thought maybe you’d be interested. You look young enough, and you’re prettier than the girls on here” he replied.

I didn’t know if I should feel offended or flattered. Truth be told, I had thought about it. Giving an old dude some attention –  laughing at his jokes, playing miniature golf with him on occasion and making sure he took his meds on time didn’t seem like too  much to give in exchange for rent, tuition or downpayment on a car. Actually, let’s be real I’d do some ego stroking for a designer bag. Hey, I said I thought about it. I didn’t actually consider it. 

But considering the list of unsavory occupations, it’s one of the least problematic ones right on top next to “high end escort”. I considered it’s better than hooking, and probably more prosperous than stripping. However, I also considered the following:

7jrkk1. The Age Difference. Obviously, there’s the obvious. The fuck I look like at the movies with someone that looks like my dad, but obviously isn’t my dad? What would we talk about? Would I have to watch black and white films with him? What if he breaks a hip while we’re partaking in “young people” activities? What if he knows my mom? Does he even know who Cardi B is? 

2. The Stigma. Some may argue that being a sugar baby isn’t any worse than being a prostitute, yet some also argue that they’re better than women who sleep with men the same age as them only to get used for sex and not get anything in return. I already felt some type of way when I made a dude pay for a booty-call Uber, so I don’t think I can ever get over the stigma of it all. Also, as a so-called “feminist” it goes against everything Michelle Obama and I’ve already set us back a decade just for writing this post.

3. The Pretending. In the very best case scenario, you wind up with a Zaddy that is a Silver Fox. You actually vibe with him and have adult conversations without feeling like an idiot. He’s in great shape, and you’re attracted to him. He fucks you better than men your age and barely needs Viagara! Also, he has no kids, so you don’t feel awkward at the dinner table sitting across from his daughter that you went to highschool with. 

giphy-2

In reality, you’ll most likely end up with an old dude resembling Montgomery Burns.

4. The Sex. In the Lisa Ling special, they feature Taylor and Rich, a sugar daddy and baby who have been “sugaring” for nearly a decade. She’s been so successful in her “career” that she even started a business that allows sugar babies to hone their craft. According to their interview, Rich finds his youth in Taylor and Taylor finds a mentor in Rich. They have never had sex, stating that they simply enjoy each other’s company. So much that Taylor is in Rich’s will. giphy

If that’s the truth, then motherfucking bravo. How can I be down? How do I enroll? How much are your classes? Can you help me find a sugar daddy that will pay for them? This is ideal for anyone who wants to be a sugar baby, but ideally it is not the case. Maybe they won’t say it or even expect it, but it’s safe to assume that many sugar daddies hope for it, and I don’t have the heart heart or audacity to ignore the guilt. 

Alas, to each their own and if everything is honest and mutual then “Party on Wayne!”. But not everyone is made for that life, I know I’m not … and am so sad about it, JK. I grew up an only child to a single parent. I was not spoiled, so I had a proud and sometimes prideful attachment to the things I was able to get on my own. Whether my sugar daddy agreed or not, I would always feel as if I owed him something. Even worse, I would feel owned. I don’t like using people or being used by people. I’m trying to get a bag (and fix my teeth), not feel like one.

“I do want to stand on my own two feet, but if I can do that in a pair of Louboutins then there’s no shame in that”~Sugar Baby

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