A Letter to my Younger Ho-Self.

My Dearest Ho in the Making,

I am so proud of the woman you are, and the ho you will soon be. As your older self, I want to let you know that you had a few, good homents but I have faith that with a little hoercing, you can absolutely do better. Like you will soon cum come to say, “It’s good to have goals”. So here are a few to aspire to, as well as a few words of advice. Knowing you (because you’re me, duh) you won’t take the advice, but hopefully you’ll at least reach your goals. 

  • Always carry a ho-bag. It should include the necessities like vag wipes, condoms, makeup wipes, and a travel size toothbrush. 
  • HO. IT. UP. As long as you’re safe and not fucking anyone’s boyfriend/husband, have at it! 
  • If he’s hitting you up and making you come to him, tell him to call your ass an Uber. It’s not paying for the pussy, it’s reciprocating the effort.
  • Unless you want more in the morning, leave before he wakes up. Trust  me, you don’t want to cuddle. And as good as breakfast sounds, it’s better to just have it with your girls so you can tell them all about where you went when you disappeared from the party. 
  • Since you didn’t listen to me and stayed over to cuddle, you should know that you cannot handle casual relationships. You need less or more. Of all the advice I’m giving you, remember this the most. I’ve bolded it for you just in case. 
  • DON’T BE SO FUCKING AWKWARD. I repeat, DON’T BE SO FUCKING AWKWARD.

Really, just be safe, be smart, have fun,  and be true to yourself. Whether that means wanting more than just a fuck, or fucking old boy on the first date. Get all that out of your system, because (and remember this part too) you will absolutely meet an amazing man that will have you leaving that ho life behind. Just don’t forget to pass the torch before you do. Lastly, don’t forget – I believe in you. 

Love, Abigail

 

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