Good, bad decisions.

I stared at my phone for almost 30 minutes before I finally sent the text. I took half an hour going back and forth with myself, adding and subtracting letters to what would finally end up being a measly 3 word sentence. The second I sent it, I could feel something punch me through my chest, reach down and tear out the little dignity I had left in the pit of my stomach. And let me tell you, there wasn’t much left.

A minute or so later, I heard a ping and saw a familiar number on my screen (Not sure why I even bothered not saving his number when I remembered it by heart anyway). I smiled, but my heart was mourning. I knew I shouldn’t have sent the text to begin with. I shouldn’t have replied to his. And I definitely shouldn’t have been getting ready to go to his house. You would’ve thought that with all this foreshadowing I would’ve did better, yet minutes later I still found myself in his car pretending to be chill. 

Looking back on all the bad mistakes I’ve made in my relationships, there wasn’t one bad decision I wasn’t initially aware of. Texting him when I knew I shouldn’t have. Still seeing him after I caught him lying. Saying “yes” when I knew it was a bad idea. Saying “no” when I  knew I was lying. Pretending to be OK. Holding back my feelings. Not saying anything. Saying too much. Sending him a birthday gift. Saying good-bye. 

Why do we make bad decisions despite being well aware of them and their repercussions? That’s the exact question that popped in my head after watching the season finale of Insecure where Molly continues to fuck Dro, and Issa moves in with Daniel. I first yelled, “Noooooo,” then “Fucking knew it,” then shamefully shook my head knowing that I may or may not have done the same thing. Going back to my previous post about Insecure, I now have my answer.

The reason why Insecure stabs a special place in our hearts (or at least mine), is because it not only covers the topics we are familiar with, but the bad decisions and less than ideal outcomes that other shows stray away from. While we’re all rooting for a happy ending, we know that not all endings are happy. 

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