‘Sposed to be.

I remember being young and in love. And lucky for me *insert sarcasm here*, I’ve been agonizingly in love more than once. Each time was different. The first time I didn’t even like the guy initially. The second time, I was in love with him before I knew I was in love with him. And the last time, happened unexpectedly. Despite the differences, they all shared the same inconveniences. The same butterfly riots in my stomach. The same obsession of his name in my mouth and spilling out my ears. And ultimately, the same tears ridiculing me at the end along with a broken heart.

I remember Jey asking me once how things were with the guy I was seeing. I replied, “Good”. Good? I questioned the integrity of it immediately.  Good. I waited. But no glitter fell from the sky. I didn’t abruptly get up to run on top of a hill to scream how much I loved him, and there was no butterfly riot in my stomach. I proceeded with, “I feel like I’m supposed to say more than that”. Then, he told me I wasn’t supposed to say anything. 

He was right. And just like that, it was –  good

I kept thinking my new relationship was supposed to be a certain way. Thinking it was supposed to be fireworks on the 4th of July right after winning the war. It was supposed to be “premature ventricular contractions”. It was supposed to be texting my best friend all the emoticons I could find that resembled anything close to the “glitter and gay”. The roof was supposed to be on fire, and I was supposed to let the motherfucker burn. But I was right. It wasn’t any of those things.

It wasn’t fireworks. It didn’t burn fast, light up, explode into seemingly pretty colors, and then fade away into a black abyss. It wasn’t glitter; sparkly and shiny, distracting the eye from the dullness inside. It wasn’t paper hearts and flowers, easily torn apart and not dependent on warmth and light. I was so focused on everything the relationship was supposed to me, that I failed to recognize what it was.  

It was surprising, but cautious. Effortless, yet mindful. It was disagreeing on so many things, but appreciating each other’s opinions (most of the time lol). It was stupid SnapChat filter faces and high pitched voices. It was blue toothbrushes and awkward hugs, because I’m a 6.5 on an affectionate scale of 1- 10 while he’s an 11. It was loyalty and support, and effort. It was LOVE. And sure the roof wasn’t on fire, but we were building a foundation brick by brick. Because that’s how a stable home is supposed to be built. 

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One Response to ‘Sposed to be.

  1. WM says:

    Sometimes I think we fall in love with the idea of love. With the misconception of what we’ve been programmed to believe it’s supposed to be. We look for all the signs and are disappointed when we don’t see them. It’s not to say the fairytales don’t exist, for some they do but if we’re honest, have we ever seen a fairytale where the “happily ever after” isn’t preceded by some heart wrenching tragedy??? I believe a love you can trust doesn’t consume you but it gently caresses you, embraces you just enough so that you feel safe but not trapped, it changes you in a way that makes you a better version of yourself without losing your identity and it has a way of showing up when you are ready to receive it. ❤️️

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