Hurt & Hope.

The other day I helped a very dear friend of mine pick out an engagement ring for another very dear friend of mine. While I loved hearing his *smh* worthy stories of his days as a bachelor, I loved hearing the story of his proposal even more.

Last night I saw a man comfort the love of his life after she lost the first love of her life; her father. And although I consider him to be more of a big teddy-bear, he became her rock. And I have no doubt that he will be whatever else she needs him to be at this time.

Everyday I am surrounded by other people’s love. Unconditional, selfless, and sometimes unconventional love. It sounds great, but depending on where you are mentally it can also be a burden. A curse. A constant reminder that you are alone, and may always be alone.

I recently saw the most beautiful pictures of a friends wedding, and couldn’t help but remember the day she vowed to never fall in love again. She not only rejected the idea – she resented it. Shortly after, she met her future husband. She was a gorgeous bride, and I felt sheer and utter joy for them. But I won’t li3, the feeling was bittersweet. I thought to myself, when’s it my turn? I did everything everyone told me to do. I was always honest about how I felt. It’s not fair

What a fucking whiner. I immediately felt guilty and ashamed afterwards. 

Everyday I am surrounded by love, and it’s a double edged sword that barely misses all the major arteries. Because the very same love that makes me feel dead inside, also makes me feel alive knowing that it still exists. Every besotted kiss, longing gaze, and hug that feels like home reminds me that people are falling in love every single day. And maybe one day, I’ll be one of those people.

Everyday I am surrounded by love. Unconditional, selfless, and sometimes unconventional and inconvenient love. It hurts. But also hopes.

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