“My breasts can always tell when it’s going to rain”

I don’t have boobs. Go look at my pictures, and you’ll notice that right away. What I do have however, are nipples. I would say that for my breast size, they’re pretty proportionate. I will also say they’re annoying as hell. 

If my nipples could predict the weather, it would always be raining with a chance of “mad brick son”. Sixty to eighty percent of the time my nipples are hard FOR NO GODDAMN REASON. It could be 75° outside and my nipples will still be hard enough to cut glass. A common misconception is I must me horny, but I’m one of those unfortunate souls that don’t get turned on by titty foreplay. I mean, HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT?

For one, it’s annoying. I once had to walk around with my arms folded over my chest all day, because the headlights were turned all the way on and I forgot to bring a bra to work (I came from the gym). Another time, I had to borrow a shirt because a white shirt and hard nipples is never a good idea. There were kids around dammit!

Having hard nipples at inopportune times is also embarrassing. I’ve always felt very self conscious about it. Maybe it’s because I don’t have big boobs to back them up, I don’t know. Whatever the reason, my nipples are the reason I need to have lining in my bikini tops and even just a little bit of padding in my bras. I could care less about making them look bigger. I just don’t want to poke anyone’s eye out.

Lastly, they’re distracting and useless. I mean really, what’s the point? Just last week, I swear to God my nipples were hard for three days straight and felt sore as fuck. For what reason? Nothing other than to let the world know that a storm was coming. However, not everyone loathes hard nipples (surprise, surprise!).

In an episode of SATC, hard nipples are not only celebrated, but encouraged. Leave it to Samantha Jones to wear faux hard nipples inside of her bra to garner attention from men. Sure it worked, but that’s just not the kind of approval I want. For me, it’s not a turn on. Hard nipples are not a nice, juicy ass or a heaving bosom. They’re a trainwreck you can’t help but look at, when you should be looking at my face anyway.

What do you guys think? Are hard nipples embarrassing or sexy?

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