I can be a woman of extremes. If I’m not being active; running, hiking, trying not to drown, or attempting to jump out of a plane, I want to be on the couch unshowered, and in jammies watching an entire season of *insert newest television series I’m obsessed with here* in one sitting.
I’d like to think I’m the same way with my relationships. If I feel for you, I feel for you. I don’t half-ass my love. I’m massaging your soul and leaving fingerprints on your heart and scratch marks on your back. I won’t dip my feet in your pool fully dressed with just my shoes off. I’ll strip naked, do a little dance, and jump in head first.
Sadly, I swim alone a lot. And even more unfortunate, I don’t really know how to swim.
Usually, I’m not enough. Not pretty enough, not smart enough, not flexible enough, not fun enough. Not mean enough, not crazy enough, not talented enough, not athletic enough. Not look-at-me-I-surf-and-snowboard-and-shoot-guns-and-look-put-together-every-second-of-the-day enough.
I’m very aware of how pitifully ridiculous that sounds, so don’t think I’m not trying to work on it. To question your shine, because someone else can’t see your sparkle is a type of self-loathing unrivaled by very few things. Fortunately, I don’t always feel like I’m not enough. Unfortunately, I also feel like I’m too much.
I’m too loud and too sexual, yet too awkward and too shy. I’m too opinionated. I’m too passionate. I’m too nice. Too independent, too feisty, too loving, too forgiving. Too “ghetto”, too short, too fat, too skinny. Too she-talks-about-blowjobs-and-writes-about-sex-too-much.
If I’m not enough, I’m too much.
I have never, ever changed myself for a man. That may seem admirable, but it may also be the reason why I’m single. Still, I refuse to change for someone else – even if it is to better myself. When I’m not feeling too much or too little, I actually adore ME. So all I can really do is be the best me … for me. Maybe along the way, I’ll meet someone I’m just right for. And if by the end of my journey they haven’t gone left, they’re probably just right for me too.