In our minds not only are we ahead of the game – we are ahead of our time. Wise beyond our years, and bulletproof beyond belief, with more lessons learned than mistakes made. We see in black and white – no blurry shades of grey, or rosy shades of red. We are logical. We are reasonable. And we can handle this.
In her mind she knows that it can’t be anymore than what it is. That it takes more than “like.” That he’ll be leaving soon, and she supports the move. His vision. Him. And the relationship they have. She can’t be mad, because technically he has done nothing wrong. In her mind she more than understands. She sympathizes. She’s been there. She IS there. She knows the depth of the water she’s treading, and what comes with the territory. It’s his dream and he is but a sugar-plum fairy away.
In my mind, I can do this. Not because I am strong, and not because I can separate my emotions from my hormones. But because I am realistic. I know what it is, and what it isn’t. I’m not delusional, and I know my role. So I will continue to “have fun” until it stops being “fun,” and will only allow myself to feel bad, but never bad enough to stop. I don’t know you enough to like you. In my mind, I’m fine. I’m OK.
In our minds, we know better. But in our hearts?
In her heart she wants more than he can give, but takes what she can get. So she winks at the opposition, then cries over her decision. And secretly doesn’t apologize for the selfish little voice inside of her that hopes he doesn’t go. In her heart she’s scared. She feels neglected, and insecure. There are trust issues. She understands the plan, but doesn’t understand why she can’t be included in every single blueprint. She misses him, and it hurts.
And in my heart, feeling bad just feels – bad. But I’ll get it while the gettin’s good. Even if it’s not for long, and even if it’s not for real. As long as it’s real enough for me to pretend. That when I wake up with your arms around me in the morning it’s because you don’t want me to leave. Not just your room, but your life. Ever. In my heart I take things for more than they’re worth, and hold onto words with no meaning. In my heart, I knew this would happen. I knew I would like you. I knew I wouldn’t be fine with it, and I knew I was never OK.
Because in our hearts, we know nothing outside of it. In our hearts? We refuse to know better.