Thank God I’m back. Back in business. Back in action. Back in the city where I belong, and back as loud and naked and inappropriate as I wanna be. For a few months I lived with my mom in what I like to call Buttfuck Belmont while I got back on my feet. My mom is awesome and I love her to death, but it’s safe to say that we reached our threshold for one another three months before I actually moved out. I am extremely grateful to have been able to fall back and freeload off of my mom for a while, but my God was it humiliating.
It was the first time I shared a space with my creator since I was 22, so it was also a major inconvenience. For one, I constantly felt like I was a child again. Cleaning the house isn’t an issue for me, but being told to clean the house makes me cringe. Especially when I’m being told to clean in a nagging mom voice. Having to share closet space was also tasking. My mom’s shoe addiction is just as bad if not worse than mine, so I’m sure having to give up closet space hurt. Obviously, the worst part about having a parent as a “roommate” is privacy. I had to endure countless nights of high school phone conversations between my mom and her boo thang, which is adorable and disgusting at the same time.
As for myself, I couldn’t talk about sex or anything boy related without my mom asking me where I was going, what I was wearing, who would be paying, and if I was going to “smash”. STOP. Just stop. And everytime the game would be on, my mom would look at me as if she gave birth to the antichrist because of all the profanities that would come out of my mouth. Don’t judge me dammit, that was a bad ass call!
However, the worst part about living with a parent and not having your own room, is not being able to masturbate freely. Because having sex at her spot wasn’t even an option. No one wants to have paranoid, 16 year-old sex! I didn’t want to do it when I was 16, what more now?! Thus, masturbation was imperative in order for me to function properly. But have you ever tried watching porn on your smart phone with one earbud on, while constantly looking at the door? Let me tell you – total boner killer. Thus, I’ve been frustrated more than usual for the past few months up until March.
Alas, I have my own room once again. And my own comfy memory foam mattress to give myself the business to. Happy Spring everyone!