It used to be that when you went out with a man and he showed interest in you, it meant he was actually interested in you. I learned the hard way that this isn’t necessarily true.
Sometimes I like to ask questions I already know the answers to, so just to make sure, I asked one of the biggest assholes I knew – my cousin. “Just because he wants to hang out even when he knows I’m on my period, it doesn’t mean he wants more than just sex right?” He replied, “Yes and no. Some guys just like to kick it, and you’re fun to hang out with”. Oh, so it’s my fault now? I am pretty fucking awesome though, so I guess I couldn’t blame him.
Unlike the past where I suppressed my feelings all in the name of being the “cool” chick that didn’t sweat anything, I put my ego aside and asked him off bat. I didn’t get the answer I wanted, but I got the answer I needed. I was bummed, but also relieved. Disappointment is for lack of better words, disappointing. But anxiety is the worst.
Jeyel said sex makes women crazy. I whole-heartedly disagree with him. No honey, affection makes women crazy. Thus, I refused to believe the hand holding, hair smelling, forehead kissing, neck sniffing, and arms around my waist-ing meant anything. Still, I had to find out for myself. At least now, I can make a conscious decision on what to do next. Knowing the truth is liberating, but it doesn’t make it any less hard to not want more.
Communication kills assumption, if only we could find a way to kill feelings.