There was one time in my entire life where I actually felt like a “man”. It wasn’t when I was watching the game on my couch by myself guzzling a beer in one hand and eating a sandwich with the other. It wasn’t even when I was checking out the amazing rack the girl at the MAC counter had. And it definitely wasn’t the time I pulled an all-nighter playing GTA San Andreas.
I remember coming back from vacation with ‘him” who we’ll call Ross to protect the innocent. I remember feeling like something wasn’t quite right. He didn’t do anything out of the ordinary, but I could feel it in my bones. A distance that wasn’t there before the plane took off. Yet there it was, pushing me hundreds of feet apart when he was right in front of me kissing me good-bye. I panicked. I wasn’t sure if it was the last good-bye or not. So I took it upon myself to make sure it was.
Over the phone, I unwillingly told him I couldn’t do this anymore. And just like that, he let me walk away. I spent the rest of my Friday not even sad, but in shock. Over the fact that he didn’t even flinch at the break up. And on Saturday, I did the only thing I could think of to momentarily keep my mind off of him: my ex. Totally unplanned, I saw him at a party and went home with him.
Sex with this ex was never nothing short of amazing. But that night, it never felt more horrible. It was a classic case of, “But baby, I thought of you the entire time”. And I really did. I woke up the next day feeling worse. Then even worse the next day when me and Ross decided to work it out and give it another try.
I’ve known a lot of men to fuck women, but love a woman. They use the separation of the physical and emotional to justify their shady ways. It’s absolute bullshit, but for the first time ever I actually empathized. I felt just like a man. Really, I felt less of a man and less of a person. I felt like a selfish, immature, dirty, asshole. Technically we were on a break when it all happened, and I constantly told myself this to make myself feel better. But during that break, I broke US.