An article about the “female douchebag” began circulating the internuts a few weeks ago, and I couldn’t help but laugh knowing I have quite a few on my Instagram feed. And in case you didn’t know, they come in all shapes and sizes, creeds, and colors. While there are so many to choose from, I shamefully admit that I have a few favorites. Starting with:
The douchette that sticks out her ass in every fucking picture. OK, we get it: YOU GOT BOOTY! And I’m sure you’re proud of it, I would be too if I had some. But is it really necessary to do the same “one knee bent, one knee straight, over the shoulder pose” in every single picture? Or how about the “waist twister” pose? Girl, you are not competing in a body building competition right now (or are you?), GTFOH. I don’t know what’s worse, the females with no booty faking the funk, or the females with booty that act as if that is the only thing worth taking a picture of. Sad, sad world.
Then, you have the female douche in denial. This is the one that will post a picture captioned, “My favorite pendant given to me by my great-great-grandmother”. Except you can’t see it because 97% of the picture is the woman’s cleavage. Or “Love my new shoes!” and it’s a full body picture of her in her panties and bra. Of course wearing her new shoes though. Of course.
Can’t forget the “undercover” douchette. Yes, I’m being sarcastic. When am I not? These are the women that will post a selfie with some spiritual mumbo-jumbo that doesn’t even make sense, or one they found after Googling “Paolo Coelho quotes”. Just imagine a picture of a wannabe yogi doing the splits in a thong bikini with the caption, “What counts in life is not the mere fact that we have lived. It is what difference we have made to the lives of others that will determine the significance of the life we lead.” — Nelson Mandela. Like. What the fuck does that even have to do with your booty cheeks?
Lastly, we have the reverse bullies. The female douchebags that will post a picture of themselves makeup free and use every opportunity they get to point out how gorgeous they still are #nofilter #aunaturale #nomakeup, and how you don’t need makeup to be beautiful. Well good for fucking you bitch. But guess what? Makeup does wonders, and some women just love the artistry of it all. No need to shame others if they do wear it, and definitely not necessary to advertise that you’re not wearing makeup just so you can get kudos for it. The only thing worse than that, is when it’s more than obvious you are still wearing makeup.
Now let it be known. My gripe isn’t really with any of the above. I follow your vain, big-tittied selves on Instagram because I like pretty faces and big tits just as much as I like food porn and tropical sunsets. But if I can be honest about it, then so can you. It would be a lot less douchey if you posted a picture of your DD’s with the caption, “Love my new tits!” instead of “Love my new belt!”
Really, we have no one to blame but ourselves for the emergence of the female douchebag aka “thirst traps”. As long as you keep wetting their whistle with marriage proposals and “Daaaaamn baby, can I hit that?” comments, they’ll exist.
p.s. Douchebags – I mean ladies, stop acting all upset and offended when these dehydrated men leave you perverted comments. You live for that shit. The day you stop receiving comments about your donk, will be the day you stop posting pictures of it.