24 Things That Make Me Want To Stab Your Face (just kidding. kinda).

I just finished reading “24 Things Single People Are Tired of Hearing” on Buzzfeed, and have to admit that although it’s no big deal – I too, am tired of hearing it. It’s gotten to the point where I just tell people it’s because I’m crazy. That’s probably what they’re thinking anyway. But coming from someone that has been single for forever, let me explain why a lot of the things on this list (although I’m sure it wasn’t the intention) are backhanded compliments.

1. How are you single? You’re so great. My not so serious response to this is: DON’T I FUCKING KNOW IT? The correct explanation is obviously, I haven’t met a male counterpart that was just as great. My serious response is: While the person you are saying this to may agree, it may also prompt them to find things wrong within themselves as a way to justify why their single. Surely something has to be wrong, right?

4. Aren’t you worried you won’t be able to have any kids? I’m not worried, but my  uterus might be. Regardless, I’m not going to go bang the next guy I meet with straight teeth and good skin that’s over 5’10” (although I might), for the sake of procreation. So MAKE UP YOUR MIND. Weren’t you the same person that just told me that 2. It’ll happen when you least expect it.

6. You should try online dating … First of all, just NO. I have a few friends that found love in a hopeless place ala Match.com, and they are perfectly normal. Good looking. Successful. Not desperate, etc. But it’s just not for me. And WTF, aren’t you also the same person that told me to “Stop looking for love”? Ain’t nobody got time for that, it’s hard enough looking for a JOB.

11. One day when you’re married, you’ll wish you were single. For the record, no one has ever said this to me. THANK GOD. If that were the case, I’d be giving them relationship advice instead.

13. You’re just too picky. This is by far one of my favorites. If you had told me this in my twenties, I probably would’ve agreed. The truth is, the older I get the less picky I am (apparently, intelligence and loyalty is not a part of the criteria). However, I am less willing to settle for less (pretend I didn’t just tell you I like ’em dumb).

14. Just don’t turn into some crazy cat lady. Jeyel did you write this? I’m a dog person, this would NEVER happen.

18. You have to love yourself before you love anybody else. I completely agree, and furthermore think that there are a lot of people IN relationships that should be single. But after a certain amount of time, I think it’s perfectly OK to want to love and be loved. Besides, if I love myself anymore, I may just propose.

19. In reference to your best friend: “Have you guys ever thought of dating?” Lord. Trust me, if me and my best guy friend(s) wanted to date we would’ve. Matter fact, the only reason why we are best friends is probably because we don’t want to fuck each other.

Speaking on behalf of single women everywhere that are perfectly self-sufficient, functional, and dare I say it – happy being single, thank you for your concern. It’s just that #weaintgotnoworries (I don’t care if adding the hashtag was pointless), so neither should you. How about we are single, because … we just are. And if you can’t accept that, then feel free to continue to tell me that I’m a great catch. It’s the truth.

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