No Pain, No Stain.

The other day while drinking in a friends room at a hotel party, he cautioned me to not spill my drink. “I know you be staining the sheets” he said with a devious grin. I knew how he knew too. Your girl smashed the homie’s homie, and contrary to popular belief men talk just as much if not more than women do. I probably should’ve been mad that he put me on blast in a room full of strangers, except I was more offended that he didn’t think I could handle my liquor and would go spilling my coconut Ciroc all over the place. Motherfucker I had been drinking from 11am to 7:00pm that day, and I spilled just as much alcohol as I gave fucks: ZERO. So hah!

Now before I proceed, I’m going to first tell you to just fucking relax. It’s not going to look like the aftermath of a Quentin Tarantino fighting scene in your bed after we fuck, so calm your balls. The truth is, the homies homie has what I like to call a hamburger dick and I apparently have a narrow vagina. Put the two together, and you’re going to have lots of fun. However, you’re also going to have to change your sheets more frequently. I wouldn’t say I’m a “bleeder” though. Oddly enough, I never bled with Thor and he was packing straight HEAT. One day I took out a tape measurer and measured from the very bottom of my vagina, and discovered that his dick was practically playing doorbell ditch with my belly-button. If I have kidney problems in the future, I’ll know why. At least I also know I have a deep vagina.

There are actually a few reasons why women bleed during intercourse, and unless she’s a squirter, it’s not much. Most of the time, it has nothing to do with a man having a big dick either. I tend to spot the first three days before and after I actually have my period, so I basically have a fucking two week menstrual cycle that you will most likely cross paths with. I also bleed when I’m not having sex enough. So if you don’t want me to bleed on your sheets, then maybe you should fuck me MORE! Every other day instead of every other week. Is that too much to ask for? The last reason I’d ever bleed during sex I’d have to say occurs the most, and it’s the angle at which you’re tappin dat ass from. There’s a specific angle where it’s a fine line between hurts so good, and just fucking hurts. So if you hit it just right (or wrong) – I’m probably going to bleed.

I’m sure all this talk of staining the sheets is totally turning you on, but there’s a bunch of simple solutions to it. Fuck at her apartment, lay a towel underneath you, find a woman with a bigger vagina, or how about you just stop being a bitch? I mean, it’s technically your fault that she’s bleeding anyway. Unless she’s leaving your room looking like an episode of CSI, there’s a lot worst she could be leaving behind: like a toothbrush for instance. Besides, if sex was supposed to be clean, then we wouldn’t have dirty minds.

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