Over dim-sum I learned how to make a man fall in love with you in three easy steps. While I knew I wouldn’t get past the second step before falling in love with whichever man first, I almost thought I had a chance. Almost.
1. Make him laugh – done. I’m kinda funny. I think. Laughing at me counts right?
2. Make his friends laugh – done. Please refer to above.
3. Give him a lap dance – Never mind, I don’t want to play anymore.
Don’t get me wrong, I totally see the validity in number three. Like my friend explained, anyone and everyone has sex. And like so many men say, “everyone looks the same with the lights off.” A lapdance however, is something created especially for them. An art that when done correctly will leave a lasting image in this man’s head the next day at work. And if it was a really good dance, the image will have him popping a boner during his morning meeting.
I would LOVE to give a man a lapdance. It just seems like one of those things that only look good in the movies or performed by someone at the Spearmint Rhino. In my head? It’s a good idea. But that’s because in my head I’m three inches taller, five pounds lighter, and a cup-size bigger. In my head I’m wearing red, lace lingerie, garter belt included, nude thigh highs, and platform Louboutins. In my head you’re sitting in a sexy leather chair, the lights are dim, and SBTRKT’s Wildfire is playing. In my head I have all the right moves, and in my head you’re already in love with me.
But in reality, I look like a fish out of water flailing around and such. In reality, you can see every scar, every dimple, every stretch mark, and my tummy pudge. In reality I’m sweating up a storm because I hate leaving my hair down but hair flipping looks so damn sexy on TV. In reality, I accidentally kick you in your head with my hooker heels, or my ankle bends and I eat it. HARD. In reality, you’re helping me get up from off the floor, running to your kitchen to grab a towel for the cut I just made on my lip, and have no urge to want to have sex with me anymore. In reality, you are definitely not in love with me.
Let’s face it, the only way I’m even thinking about giving a man a lapdance is if I’m drunk, but not as drunk as he needs to be. Yet we still can’t both be so drunk that I’m stumbling across the room and he’s one hiccup away from falling out of his chair.
Of course I don’t think giving a man a lapdance will actually make him fall in love with you, but he will definitely appreciate it. Maybe one day I’ll have enough balls to sit on someone’s lap and do the damn thang. Until then, I’ll just sit next to him and strike up a conversation. Maybe he’ll think I’m awesome, and at least fall in like with me instead.