Sometimes we do things and have no idea why we do them. Sometimes we say one thing and then do another. Sometimes we feel a certain way and then our actions reflect just the opposite. And then sometimes we want to go to Great America and feel like a kid again and ride all the rides and eat all the bad theme park food and take pictures in the picture booth and then go back to the car to drink some Henn and apple juice so that you got a nice lil’ buzz for the fireworks show – with only one person in the entire world. And then, we ask somebody else.
Because sometimes we feel so strongly about something, or someone, but are so scared, and damaged, and stubborn, and prideful that the two notions collide and we end up deleting someones number 5 times then re-saving it 6.
We’ll think of them all day but never think to call. We see things that remind us of them (‘cuz almost everything reminds us of them) but never let them know. We take exactly 17 mins and 37 seconds to write out the cutest email but never send it. We wait all day for a text message and then when we get it, we wait all day to reply back. We think, and stress, and plan the perfect way to tell them how we feel but never say it. We prep ourselves to ask them how they feel but ask how their day went instead.
We go out on Wednesday nights and have a few drinks knowing damn well we got a weekday curfew of 10:00pm and tell all of our friends how much we’re feelin you … and then murder the idea after 1 shot of Jameson, and even worse let someone else pull the trigger.
So we forget about being honest and play games. We convince ourselves you ain’t feelin us and got other wo/men on your roster. We take “All I Want is You,” off of repeat and blast, “Return of the Mack.” We make up excuses like we think you make up excuses and flake on dates that we know we would’ve had a blast on. We walk away with our tail in between our legs, and brace ourselves for the “What ifs,” and regret. Because sometimes, we just rather hurt ourselves this way now, than have you hurt us later.