I’m not a bitch in regards to too many things other than dog abuse, the SF Giants, guys with mustaches (don’t ask, it’s some weird stigma I’ve felt since I was little), and of course heartache. But I am definitely a bitch when it comes to movies. I’m the girl crying so hard in the movie theater that snot is running down her nose, and she gotta leave with sunglasses on because her eyes are bloodshot. What a jerk. Below are a few of the many movies that have made me cry in the past. Please feel free to make me feel less of a pansy and add your own.
Independence Day: The scene where the crazy crop farmer dad who swears he was probed by aliens volunteers to fight against them only to have his missile jam. He then realizes that the only way to defeat the ship is to fly the jet directly into its center. The kicker is when he looks up at the picture of his family before his suicide mission.
Armageddon. I cry so hard during the same exact scene every fucking time, that I’m actually mad at it. Fucking Bruce Willis man! It’s the scene where he pulls a fast one on Ben Affleck, so that he could live and take care of his daughter while he took one for the team (literally) and killed himself in order to save the world. Ben Affleck starts crying, then Liv Tyler starts crying, and then my dumb ass starts crying like it was my fucking father on that damn meteor. FUCK YOU ARMAGEDDON!
A Walk To Remember. Oh Jesus Christ. This was one of the very first movies to really get the waterworks going. I remember watching this the night before a wedding I was in, and being scared that I’d wake up to puffy red eyes, which I did. The concept of the movie (two young people in love stricken by cancer) was sad enough, but then you throw in the scene where he tries to cross off everything on her bucket list including “be in two places at one time,” and it’s a wrap. I blame his character for the reason I think no one is ever thoughtful or witty enough to date.
Bruce Almighty. Although this was a comedy for the most part, there is one scene in the movie where me and my best friend just want to curl up in a little ball right next to Jennifer Anniston and be like, “I feel you girl!” It’s when Bruce looks into her window and finds out that she’s praying not for him, but about him. I don’t know how many times I’ve prayed to God asking him to make me stop loving someone already.
What Dreams May Come. Another movie that never fails to make me tear up at the same scene no fail. The scene where he’s in his heaven aka her painting, and she draws the tree. Then, when she gives up on life, washes the tree out of the painting which deletes it from his heaven. It was just so symbolic and powerful aka I’m a bitch.
Up. I watched the first five minutes of this movie, and after my cry fest over a goddamn cartoon, I was absolutely mortified. How fucking depressing I thought. I thought this was a kids movie? If my grown ass couldn’t take that shit, how the hell was I supposed to explain it to a crying six year old?
I Am Sam. I’m going to be really honest with you here. I never finished watching this movie. Why? Because it was so sad and make me cry so hard, that I had to stop watching. Yup, that bad. Case closed. Check please. I’m done.
Marley and Me. Maaaaaan, fuck whoever wrote this book and fuck whoever turned it into a movie. I read the book shortly after a bad break up that involved a dog, and had to stop reading it on the plane because I started tearing up. By the time I finished the book in the privacy of my own bedroom I was crying to the point where I needed a glass of water. This was over five years ago, and I only allowed to watch the movie last year, because I knew it would be a mess.
A Beautiful Mind. Fuck, you know what sucks? I can’t remember what part(s) of this movie made me cry. All I remember is it was really sad, and I felt bad for Russel Crowe’s character.
PS I Love You. Same thing with this movie, totally forgot what scene made me want to live in my bed for a week. However, just the concept of the movie alone is already a red warning that it’s going to be a problem.
Bonus: Breaking Dawn Pt. II: I know, I know. This makes me more oaf a bitch than anything up there COMBINED. Whatever, FUCK YOU. The ending scene of Breaking Dawn where it was a montage of all the important scenes in all the movies made me depressed as fuck. It was like high school graduation, a chapter of my life ended, and I had nothing left to look forward to.