Whats up u miss me

Just like that. With no punctuation of course, because I bet you still don’t know how to use the shift key on your phone. Me and my friends laughed a good 3 hours over this text, not even exaggerating. Matter fact, let me take a look at it now. Yup, make that 4 hours.

Me and my boy agreed that you gotta be pretty fucked up towards someone to send a text message like that. It just wouldn’t have the same effect otherwise. We also agreed that I was one dumb motherfucker to have stayed with you for as long as I did. He added that if a woman had sent an audacious text like that it wouldn’t have been as funny. I concluded it was because 1) women are more forgiving, 2) women are stupid, and 3) men are such fucking idiots that sometimes you can’t help but laugh at them. In this case, it was all of the above.

I have to give it to you. That text is legendary. It now serves as fillers for awkward moments, and pick-me-ups during sad times. I really shouldn’t laugh about it because it’s really all at my expense, but FUCK. How can I not? I fought real hard to stop myself from replying too. But I just couldn’t think of anything that could top, “Whats up you miss me”. GTFOH. I did however contemplate the following:

Nope. Just your dick.
Hey, I still masturbate to your picture every now and then.
Or the unanimous favorite: Who’s this?

As entertaining as it would’ve been, I just put my phone down and continued to apply for jobs. We all know the best response is no response, and I know how the rest of the conversation would’ve went anyway. Something like …

Me: Hey, was in SF for Christmas. I wanted to text you.
Him: You missed this dick huh?
Me: Yeah, so what? I miss the dick of the guy I banged after you too.
Hell, I miss the D period.

Then all hell would’ve broken loose, and I would’ve slapped myself for responding to begin with. The funny thing is, I do think about you every now and then. I really do, and I usually reminisce about the good stuff too. My go-to’s are the night we first met, and the first time you took me to “your club”. I know you had genuine feelings for me, don’t you deny it! And when we were together? You always made me feel like I was the only girl in the world. You were always affectionate in public, you were always sweet to me, and you were always a gentleman. But if you put shit in a cookie, you’re still eating a fucking shit cookie dammit! So soon after thinking about the good stuff, I eventually remember all the bad stuff. And then I want to throw a fucking brick straight at your face. So yeah, I think about you from time to time. But do I miss you? NO. 

I guess that’s the real reason why I didn’t text you back.

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2 Responses to Whats up u miss me

  1. Danstronaut says:

    dude, your blog is hilarious! “But if you put shit in a cookie, you’re still eating a fucking shit cookie dammit! So soon after thinking about the good stuff, I eventually remember all the bad stuff. And then I want to throw a fucking brick straight at your face.” im dyin at work over here

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