Ten reasons I’d ever turn lesbo. Although I’m sure that list will have grown by the time I’m finished with this post.
You’ve heard me say it plenty of times – women are fucking beautiful. Have you ever ate lunch on a nice day on Washington Ave. in South Beach? I swear I could eat Argentinian food and stare at models walking to and from casting calls all day. But despite the fact that I oogle more women than men, can get off to girl on girl porn, and rather go to a gentleman’s club than watch the Thunder Down Under – I could never, ever play for the other team. And here is why:
5) I’m not gay. It’s really that simple. You know how gay people are usually sure they’re homosexual? Well, I’m sure I’m heterosexual. I love the gays. But I’m not gay. No, really. Some of my male friends are reading this right now tilting their head, giving me that, “Come on Abi,” face, but TRUST. I’ve never even gotten really wasted one night and kissed a girl for fun. It seems like a rite of passage for girls nowadays, but I dunno? Just never had the urge to? I’ve grabbed a titty or few and licked a face. Humped one of my girlfriends from the back at the club and slapped their ass but that’s about it. Sorry? lol.
4) Women are a fucking handful. I should know. Even the most chill ones got a ‘lil cray cray in them just waiting to be let out. Whenever someone says “I hate ___,” they end up being secret fans. So lemme say I don’t hate drama. Matter fact, I kinda like drama … long as it ain’t my own. Getting to the point though, why the fuck would I get with a human that has the ability to be just as retarded, emotional, and neurotic as me? NO THANK YOU.
3) Vaginas are disgusting. I don’t care how “cute,” and “neat,” and “tucked in,” and “virginal” looking your vagina is – it’s ugly. Many will beg to differ, like my bff.We were driving one day and I showed him this vagina necklace. It was literally a necklace with a vagina pendant on it to which I replied, “GROSS!” and he said, “COOL!” So if you love the vag, awesome. I’m just explaining that I could never be a carpet muncher because there is no way in hell I’m putting my lips on those lips, looking like a roast beef sandwich . Looking like velvet flowers. Looking like meat curtains. I don’t care if it smells like a Hawaiian Breeze Glade plug in and tastes like dulce de leche, it ain’t fucking happening.
2) I love the D too much. L-O-V-E IT. No vibrating, gyrating, purple dildo with a bunny on it and pearls can EVER replace it to me. NEVER, EVER. This can definitely be argued but I’m just gonna go ahead and say it anyway: Ladies, if you prefer your pocket rocket over your mans mandingo, you either ain’t getting fucked right orrr you’re a lesbian! Matter fact, ladies if you’re reading this and your mans laying it down proper, I want you go straight home after work, take out his penis, tell it you love it, and give it a nice big hug … with your mouth.
1) Johnny Depp (in his prime).
Brad Pitt (in his prime).
Mark Wahlberg (circa The Big Hit).
Yah, ok. That list was only supposed to have 10 people on it but it just kept growing and growing but you get the picture. What can I say? Men are fucking beautiful too.