Over the weekend, I met a lovely reader of both me and Rach’s blog at the homie Evan’s birthday BBQ. We laughed, took pics, shared cocktail recipes, and added each other on Instagram. You know, the usual. Except for somewhere in between sips of French Monkey’s she called us “role models.” HOLY FUCK. “A lot of younger girls look up to you two,” she said. “Because you’ve been through everything.”
Girl, you ain’t neva lie.
While there is still so much for me to go through, I suppose I’ve been through more than many of you who read my blog. But role model? My own best friends scoff at the idea. Even I shudder at the thought. I met longtime supporter “L” (not sure if she’d want me to put her on blast here) at the Frank Ocean concert last night, and the first thing I did was buy her a shot! I mean, not exactly the best thing a “role model” should be doing.
Obviously, I’m being hard on myself. In my own defense, I’m not a horrible person. I only know this, because if I was then I wouldn’t have such amazing people in my life. I just feel as if I don’t have the proper credentials. My resume isn’t the greatest. And I’ve always had to learn the hard way – the hard way.
The older I get, the more I think about how my actions affect those around me. More so, those younger than me. Would I want my daughter to grow up like me? Despite all the shit I just talked about myself, I am proud of the person I am today. Especially considering my upbringing. Me and my cousins have an ongoing joke correlating how fucked up our childhoods were to how successful we became as an adult. My mom didn’t do too bad. I didn’t do too bad. But would I want my daughter to grow up to be like me?
NO. I want her to be better.
L told me I was the “ate” she never had. God bless her lol. I then proceeded to tell her to wipe the smudged eyeliner from under her eyes, so that she wouldn’t look like a whore. I guess that’s the type of ate I’d be. Having someone look up to you is definitely flattering, and most of all heartfelt. However, it’s also scary. I fuck up. A LOT. But maybe that’s the trick. I won’t always do the right thing, and I won’t always have the answer. But if anything, you can learn from my mistakes. Then, you can be the role model you would want to look up to.